Hiding in Plain Sight

My wife took our son Halloween costume-shopping over the weekend. They kept me in the loop, messaging me photos of themselves in all kinds of getups: as Wild West Cowboys, chefs in aprons and torques, spooky witches complete with brooms and black hats. They seemed to favor the masks, though-- political figures, celebrity faces, spooky goblins. In the pictures, the masks were so detailed and enveloping that I didn't know whether my wife or my son was the model. He finally settled on a creepy clown mask, which he customized at home with gruesome splashes of fake blood. In his mask, my son could be anyone, a stranger I'd never know or a neighbor down the street. Kind of unnerving to think about. But not all that different from the masks we wear everyday. Whether its the confident face of a businessperson as we enter a sales meeting, or the calm expression we adopt to ease the tantrum of a wailing child, we may adopt different faces to fit the range of experiences that fill our day. And certainly, many of those masks are truly functional, moving us forward or producing a benefit in the end. When we approach our child's teacher to discuss a failing grade, we're most likely to experience a positive outcome from that interaction if we approach the teacher with an expression of openness, seriousness and concern rather than with the outrae we may be feeling beneath the surface. Or if we are considering asking the boss for a raise, we're better primed for success if we enter his office with a pleasant affect and energized demeanor, even if we are fearful about the rumors of layoffs or frustrated by a coworker not pulling his weight. But, just as easily, we may find ourselves adopting a mask that holds us back from taking risks, connecting, or speaking our truth. I've seen couples "put on their best face" for each other, trying to avoid painful losses or minimize the chance of conflict. Similarly, I've worked with teens whose masks of bravado and insolence hide the deep pain of rejection and the fear of failure. But only through authenticity can another truly know And empathize with our experience. We may think its kinder to "smile and nod" when asked for our honest opinions, but we may actually be communicating subtle disrespect by giving someone less than our real truth. Manners, grace and politics will always have their place. But showing the world our true selves is a courageous choice that can bring us closer to one another, and build connections with the potential for deeper intimacy, for a truer knowing of each other and ourselves. That's a treat that will last through countless seasons.