Behind the Shadows

October brings thoughts of children in costumes, overflowing bags of candy, vibrant fall leaves, the crisp taste of apple cider. But October also commemorates a more ominous phenomenon -- this month is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The past decades have brought the reality of domestic violence out of the shadows and into the national consciousness. Most people know, or have heard of, someone who has survived domestic abuse, and movies, television, print and digital media regularly provide information or portrayals of family violence. Services for survivors of domestic violence exist in most metropolitan areas, and shelters for victims are present, though sometimes purposely invisible, throughout the country. But despite the increased awareness of domestic violence, may people are unaware of the signs that domestic violence may be occurring in the lives of friends, coworkers, and loved ones. Following are examples of behaviors that signal the presence of domestic violence:

1. Fear of one's partner
2. Yelling, humiliation, criticism
3. Being forced to participate in sexual behavior against one's will
4. Physical abuse (including pushing, shoving, grabbing, restraining, slapping, kicking)
5. The THREAT of physical violence
6. Threats to hurt/limit contact with one's children, friends or family members
7. Attempts to limit one's contact with friends or family
8. Destroying belongings or property
9. Controlling the movement and freedom of a partner
10. Excessive jealousy or possessiveness
11. Limiting one's partner's access to money, phone or the car

These are only a few examples of physical domestic violence that can occur in relationships. Many others exist, and the emotional abuse that inherently accompanies violence can be so subtle as to be difficult for the victim to feel confident that emotional abuse is actually happening. Historically, women have been the main victims of domestic violence, but men and children can easily fall prey to this abuse as well. Violence is ALWAYS the choice of the person perpetrating it. But information and awareness of the forms violence can take can help us to identify this dynamic in our own lives or those of people we care about. Help is available through doctors, mental health professionals, law enforcement, and domestic violence hotlines and shelters, to name a few. If you suspect you or a loved one are experiencing domestic violence in a primary relationship, seek help. Visit the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence website at www.nrcdv.org, talk to your physician (who legally must keep your information confidential), a clergy person, counselor or trusted friend. Perhaps someday the month of October can be associated only with the joy of jumping in a pile of leaves, apple-picking and bonfires.