Respect the Rest

Nap. Snooze. Shut-eye. Bedtime. If you are like most people, these words conjure images of snuggling beneath covers, curling up on a comfy couch or otherwise retiring for some well-deserved rest after a demanding day. But, if you are also like most people, you are woefully, chronically short of the amount of sleep your body and mind need. Science is increasingly studying the phenomenon of sleep, and discovering its vital role in health and longevity. Poor sleep has been linked to every ailment physical and psychological -- from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, to cancer and heart disease. We need sleep not only to refresh our bodies and minds from the exertions of our day, but also to allow our bodies and minds time to HEAL. Many parents have had the experience of waking their children in the morning to discover that their little ones seem to have grown overnight. While these changes are more a function of perception than a factual happening, it IS true that our bodies and minds use the time during sleep to regenerate and renew. Sleep slows us down, allowing tension and inflammation to ease. Sleep is a time for our thoughts to quiet, for our list making snd to-dos to take a breather. Like a cleansing breath, sleep rewards us with needed energy and stamina and offers an opportunity to leave behind thoughts and behaviors that may not have served us the day before. Sleep is a necessary boundary between "what was" and "what can become." We have become accustomed to hearing about the importance of a healthy diet or making time for regular exercise. Perhaps we will soon hear that sleep is as essential to our well-being as low cholesterol or vitamin supplements. And while we will sacrifice sleep at times to get in a workout or finish a project, we may be even better served by hitting the snooze and rolling over. If we could approach our bodies' need for sleep the way we consider it's need for fuel and exercise, we'd be more likely to give rest the respect it deserves. Invest in a good pillow. Try those high-thread-count sheets when they go on sale. Notice the sensation of your body sinking into the mattress, the feel of the covers conforming to your body, the sound of your breath as it slows and evens. I wish you sweet dreams.

Psstt...I've Got a Secret...

Boundaries are a frequent focus in counseling: how to create healthy ones, learning when to flex or enforce them, understanding their importance for emotional and physical safety. Privacy is a boundary that can be tough to navigate in intimate relationships, families and close friendships. It's not uncommon for people to confuse privacy with secrecy. These concepts are actually very different. Privacy is an innate human right. All people need to have thoughts, space, behaviors and belongings that are theirs alone. Contrary to some beliefs about communication snd relationships, NOT EVERYTHING needs to be shared. A person's thoughts, wishes or desires can remain unspoken. And sometimes NEED to be. (Really, what good will be gained from me telling my son that I don't like his haircut? Or from correcting my relative's constant pronunciation of "pitcher" to "PIC-ture"?) I often tell clients that privacy is as vital to a healthy sense of self, safe boundaries and productive relationships as is good communication. However, many people confuse privacy with secrecy, it's not-quite-healthy close cousin. Generally, secrets create distance, mistrust, fear and a sense of being unsafe. A good rule to discern the difference is to ask the following questions:

1. Does this behavior or choice impact the well-being of someone else?
2. Would knowing or not knowing this information affect someone else's behavior or choices?

In general, if my behavior affects only me, or if sharing information has no bearing on another's well-being or future choices, chances are that information would fall into the category of "private." Think of whether I choose to avoid exercise for a week, or if I choose one path of education versus another. Conversely, if information I have, or behavior I enact, involves or impacts someone's welfare -- whether they know about it or not -- withholding that information could be construed as "secrecy" and therefore be destructive. Consider a spouse who is sexting a work colleague, or a child who witnesses bullying and doesn't alert an adult. While secrets exist, of course, that can be playful and exciting (a surprise party, an engagement) , in general most secrets in relationships and organizations are the downfall of a thriving, healthy system. Privacy enhances safety; secrets can destroy it.

To Schedule or Not to Schedule? (or, Why Can't I Manage to Wear Real Clothes When Im Driving the Car Pool?)

This time of year is dominated by school clothes shopping, last-chance trips to the pool and my son trying to stay awake as long as possible on the few nights left of summer. Before we know it, we will be immersed in email reminders from teachers, midnight runs to the all-night drug store for forgotten poster board, and interminable hours spent in our cars: picking up, dropping off, shuttling less-than-grateful offspring from one activity to the next. Regularly, I hear complaints from my parent clients that, by mid-October, they are depleted and snarky about the time and energy requirements their kids' busy lives suck from their parentS' energy stores. And there are still more than 7 months left of the school year. I routinely give my clients the same recommendation. SCALE BACK. And do it without guilt!! Well, this year, I hang my head in shame to realize I have fallen into the very same trap I warn other parents about. Physician, heal thyself? Ha!! At this point, I'd need a team of Harvard-educated specialists to scale me back to any sane expectations of myself or my abilities. This year, my soon-to-be high schooler was accepted to his school's auspicious show choir. As part of his participation, it was "suggested" that he make the most of his "vocal gifts" by beginning weekly voice lessons. With a member of the Lyric Opera. (Cha-ching!) And of course, show choir members must also participate in the school's regular choir. Both groups, of course, rehearse on different days, for several hours at a time. Add to that menu of all-things-singing related the various fundraisers each student is expected to run, to augment the FOUR-FIGURE fee that's been passed on to parents for their little stars' inclusion in these illustrious organizations. Not to mention the time, money and energy that will be added to our energy depletion when he tries out for the four plays and two musicals produced yearly by the school. And now my future Hugh Jackman would like to hone his critiquing skills by reviewing current movies, with the mission of saving his peers from wasting time and money on a film unworthy of them. Now, I know that WE choose to have these children join our lives, and I believe in providing my child with every academic and cultural opportunity in which he's interested. But, when he got a role in a summer theatre musical, and I was sitting in a church parking lot at 11:30 pm on a rainy Wednesday night (the fourth consecutive day, I might add), sweating in my pajamas because I was afraid I'd run out of gas if I used the energy on the defroster, I seriously considered praying that my son be struck mute or, at the very least, suffer a week-long bout of laryngitis. I am coming precariously close to becoming one of those parents who earn the mockery and eye-rolling of other (read: saner) parents. One of those parents who will sacrifice sleep, groceries, and the wearing of daytime clothing to further their little performer's budding career. While I would love nothing more than to see my son make his debut on the Great White Way, in my more logical moments, I have to question whether I am truly HELPING my son by supporting all these activities. I can't remember the last time my child complained, "I'm bored!" How could he? He can rarely remember to bring his backpack/song sheets/glasses home from his dad's or to eat more than a granola bar before we rush off to the next rehearsal/lesson/performance. I've never been a big fan of technology, but isn't part of being a teenager spending hours on the phone with friends talking about nothing in particular, and playing video games until he qualifies for carpal tunnel surgery? I may sound like I'm advocating for our kids to lower their sights for their futures, that I'm suggesting they skip a few classes and hang out on the "smoking lot" (remember that?) rather than aim for developing their artistic gifts or athletic skills. But don't we want our children to learn that success takes all forms? While getting into Harvard or being a first round draft pick is commendable, I'd like my son to value his ability to be a good friend, to be creative in his use of free time, to be willing to stretch and try activities he's wretched at just to see if they are FUN. The time has come for me to put my money where my mouth is. When the show choir director "recommends" dance class or acting tutorials, I may best be advocating for my son if I answer "No, I don't think so." Keeping my night shirt and sweat pants ensemble INSIDE my four walls is a gift my neighbors will appreciate.

A Yen for Zen

Meditation. Contemplation. Prayer. Clearing the mind. All concepts being touted as helpful to sustaining the ability to live in the moment, to be "mindful". Meditation has been shown to help with emotional issues including anxiety and stress, and to enhance physical health by lowering blood pressure, increasing oxygenation of the blood via deep breathing and improving sleep. But here in the West, meditation practice is often linked to the idea of long hours twisted into the lotus position, chanting mantras and gaining enlightenment. Not that enlightenment wouldn't be a welcome visitor to our stressed, harried lives. But, unlike cultures who grow up with meditation being as much a part of their daily life as bathing or eating, we Westerners (wrongly) assume that there is a "right" way, time or duration in which to meditate, and we simply can't fit it into our already packed schedules. The truth is, meditating can last as little as a few seconds, and can be done standing, sitting, laying down or in almost any position in which we find ourselves. Standing in line at the grocery store is a particular favorite of mine. I use the time to take deep breaths, focusing my attention on the sensation of my lungs unfurling in my chest, and the feeling of the breath exiting my body as I exhale. Walking my dogs is an opportunity to try walking meditation. Instead of planning my grocery list or perseverating about an argument with my wife, I notice how my heels make contact with the sidewalk, the different parts of my feet following suit until my toes push off the cement for my next step. When I am feeling an intense emoTion, like fear or anger, I try to remember to "watch" my thoughts that are fueling those feelings. I imagine the thoughts filling my mind like a cloud, and then a breath of cool air clearing the cloud from the field of my mind. These simple, short exercises have a remarkable ability to positively affect my mood, my energy and even the tension in my body. As experienced meditators know, these efforts are called a "practice" for a reason - we will never become experts. More than a few veteran practitioners have reminded me that the truly wise know that the practice of meditation will never be mastered, and the more one practices, the more one realizes there is no "end point." And there's something freeing in feeling like I don't have to do it "right" to reap the benefits. So instead of berating yourself for not having the time or knowledge to effectively clear your mind, try washing the dishes with a focus on the rainbows glistening in the soap bubbles, or noticing the individual feathers on the robin outside your window. Enjoy your next cup of coffee with a focus on the swirls your spoon makes in the liquid as you stir. Remember, you don't need to do it perfectly. You just need to start.

Pollyanna WHO?

A wise old sage once said, "You can't swing a cat without hitting a life lesson." OK, so no sage--wise, old or otherwise-- ever said that. Just a tired, middle-aged working mother whose skills with metaphors sorely need a jumpstart. But you get the gist. We are daily confronted with challenges that are ripe with learning and growth. Now, I'm not going to get all Pollyanna-ish about these challenges. Indeed, many of the hiccups, obstacles and plain ol' terrifying choices we face are nothing short of brutal and harrowing. A nasty divorce, a frightening diagnosis, the death of s beloved pet are all experiences that many of us barely survive without resorting to fantasies of fleeing to another country under an assumed name and living out our days aa far from the site of our tragedy as we can humanly get. I'm not parroting the gems like "everything happens for a reason" or "God won't give you more than you can handle". (Try saying that to the Lost Boys of the Sierra Leone or to a parent who has lost a child. ) No, I will struggle all my days with the grief that comes with undeserved suffering. But I'm starting to believe that the smaller, daily irritations, failures and mistakes are chances for me to challenge myself to be my better self. Who hasn't wanted to respond snarkily to the co-worker who criticizes our project/ideas/latest do-it-yourself hair color? (You know who you are.) Yet, I've found that, when I can muster up the patience, or courage or self-discipline needed in such moments, I walk away feeling not only better about myself, but more optimistic about us as a species. (OK, call me Pollyanna). After all, if a flawed, fearful weakling like me can choose to wish grace on s noxious neighbor, or practice patience when my son loses his $150 calculator for the THIRD time, then there is hope for all of us. Life will never be a smooth, even road. Being willing to see the bumps as opportunities to practice those life skills that make our daily lives easier, more peaceful, even just more bearable, is a lesson I try to be willing to sign up for every chance I get. And like most of us, I get plenty of chances. So much for being a freckle-faced redhead.

Re-thinking Co-dependence

"Co-dependence" is a word that is tossed about frequently in the recovery community, as well as in arenas focused on developing and maintaining healthy relationships. A loaded and largely pejorative concept, co-dependence is characterized by poor boundaries, enabling behaviors and feeling (misplaced) responsibility for others' feelings, decisions snd lives. While people of nearly any age, or gender, can be labelled as co-dependent, it is a tag that, historically, has been slapped largely on women. Cultural review suggests that the initial focus on substance abuse recovery for male alcoholics via the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous generated the idea of supporting and educating the wives of these men, with the hopes that informed, knowledgeable wives would provide essential support to alcoholics in recovery. Even today, most AA meetings are male-dominated, although over the years, we've seen a boom in groups created specifically for women, adolescents, people of color and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender folks. The initial purpose of including spouses in the 12-step programs was to provide them with much needed support, but also a forum for them to explore their roles in the dynamics that facilitated their partners' drinking snd changes they could make to support their husbands' quest for sobriety. Along the way, though, the concept of co-dependency has grown to a scope and reach I'd suspect was never part of the plan when Dr. Bob and Bill W. first welcomed a group of drunks to the initial AA meetings. It seems to be applied so broadly that the seriousness of the unhealthy behavior, thoughts and choices made by true co-dependent people, not to mention the often grueling recovery co-dependent folks have to undertake to free themselves from this soul damaging condition, is watered down and misinterpreted. Additionally, using the term to label unhelpful, ill-guided or ineffective ways of relating casts a negative light on people who don't really fit the parameters of true co-dependency.
The reality is that co-dependency, like most patterns of behavior, is complex, individual and generated by a variety of different origins. Lumping all caretaking behaviors, or any fluid boundaries, under the label is harmful and confusing. Many of the behaviors and attitudes called "co-dependent" are actually well-learned lessons that folks absorb from their environments. Young girls, studies show, are still more encouraged to share, let others "go first" and compromise their own wishes for the good of the group, than young boys are. To burden women with the label of co-dependency when they are simply enacting generations' worth of messages about what makes a "good woman" seems unfair, at best, and destructive, at worst. Feminist theorists have long argued for a view of human psychology that better encompasses female experience, learning and voice. We can help our clients grow and change without blaming them for being good learners. Perhaps the genesis of co-dependent behaviors is less compelling than the benefits of changing them: healthier relationships, boundaries that are firm but flexible; self-responsibility and self-love; expectations of equal treatment with others. But until we change what we teach about gender roles, self-sacrifice and nurturing -- and who we expect to do the nurturing -- the phenomenon of co-dependency, and the path to recovery, will likely continue to be struggles for clients in our therapy rooms.

"Would You Rather Be Right--Or Happy?"

Am I the only one who would answer, "I'd rather be BOTH!" I'm pretty sure I'm in vast company. I've heard therapists, self-help books and TV talking heads suggest that, in relationships, we can choose to stick to our guns on a point of contention with our partner, or we can choose to accede to our partner's wishes and views and "be happy." But in my practice and in real life, I've found that many people find this choice excruciating. It's not the simple no-brainer it appears to be initially. People often feel intensely tied and loyal to their needs, viewpoints and desires; asking them to choose between strongly held positions and their longing for happiness can feel like a lose-lose proposition. I struggle with framing the choice as an "either-or": "If you choose to be right, you can't be happy. And vice versa." In actuality, what we are hoping for is our clients to see that winning an argument or proving their point can't preclude the satisfaction ("happiness") of knowing they are caring for the needs of the relationship FIRST, before their individual needs. I try to help clients understand that meeting the relationship's needs is DIFFERENT from "giving in." In this case, Jane isn't letting Joe "get his way." By focusing on what's best for the relationship, clients are taking their eyes off of what each partner WANTS--it's what the partnership NEEDS that matters. Sometimes, that's the same as what one partner wants. But often, the relationship is like a separate entity all together. I envision, and educate clients, that the marriage is the "third client" in the room: what it needs to thrive and grow must be addressed, or it will wither away. People caught in conflict, bent on winning the latest match in their relationship's Grand Slam tournament of arguments, can sometimes buy into doing the right thing for the benefit of the partnership. We don't think twice about making effective decisions about our children, even when we are angry at our spouse. We can look at relationship challenges the same way. After all, when the partnership wins, BOTH sides win, too. And really, is the fight about stopping for directions really about directions, anyway? Most conflicts are generated by deeper symbols and values than what two people are quibbling about on the surface. If we approach our conflicts with an eye on a resolution that aids the relationship, we may find ourselves getting to a place of peace with our partners more quickly and with fewer lasting wounds. That is, except for when my wife asks me, for the thousandth time, WHERE she put her car keys. If I could just get her to put her keys in the little dish on the counter, like I've told her...