Psstt...I've Got a Secret...

Boundaries are a frequent focus in counseling: how to create healthy ones, learning when to flex or enforce them, understanding their importance for emotional and physical safety. Privacy is a boundary that can be tough to navigate in intimate relationships, families and close friendships. It's not uncommon for people to confuse privacy with secrecy. These concepts are actually very different. Privacy is an innate human right. All people need to have thoughts, space, behaviors and belongings that are theirs alone. Contrary to some beliefs about communication snd relationships, NOT EVERYTHING needs to be shared. A person's thoughts, wishes or desires can remain unspoken. And sometimes NEED to be. (Really, what good will be gained from me telling my son that I don't like his haircut? Or from correcting my relative's constant pronunciation of "pitcher" to "PIC-ture"?) I often tell clients that privacy is as vital to a healthy sense of self, safe boundaries and productive relationships as is good communication. However, many people confuse privacy with secrecy, it's not-quite-healthy close cousin. Generally, secrets create distance, mistrust, fear and a sense of being unsafe. A good rule to discern the difference is to ask the following questions:

1. Does this behavior or choice impact the well-being of someone else?
2. Would knowing or not knowing this information affect someone else's behavior or choices?

In general, if my behavior affects only me, or if sharing information has no bearing on another's well-being or future choices, chances are that information would fall into the category of "private." Think of whether I choose to avoid exercise for a week, or if I choose one path of education versus another. Conversely, if information I have, or behavior I enact, involves or impacts someone's welfare -- whether they know about it or not -- withholding that information could be construed as "secrecy" and therefore be destructive. Consider a spouse who is sexting a work colleague, or a child who witnesses bullying and doesn't alert an adult. While secrets exist, of course, that can be playful and exciting (a surprise party, an engagement) , in general most secrets in relationships and organizations are the downfall of a thriving, healthy system. Privacy enhances safety; secrets can destroy it.