tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3021343724979505872024-03-05T11:41:45.503-08:00The Counseling CornerAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-47298678701712100402017-07-28T09:05:00.002-07:002017-07-28T09:05:55.086-07:00<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<b>Grandma's Medicine</b></h2>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTckYxBb_kdHx104hvIjLpdHzusqB2xv1GJxkJekTTh2XzAEiEvAxpDmw7ILgUuyvtiZhz4GsrEdr7aA-FyQFlzlqrMym2ybzMscpk58CuAlHjO9E4083QlFuoM03FMdWFvpdvwFFS6zpN/s1600/Frendship+bench+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="637" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTckYxBb_kdHx104hvIjLpdHzusqB2xv1GJxkJekTTh2XzAEiEvAxpDmw7ILgUuyvtiZhz4GsrEdr7aA-FyQFlzlqrMym2ybzMscpk58CuAlHjO9E4083QlFuoM03FMdWFvpdvwFFS6zpN/s320/Frendship+bench+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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A recent Washington Post article detailed a mental health initiative in Zimbabwe that utilizes “community grandmothers” -- lay health workers trained in counseling skills, problem solving and self-care -- to help provide vital mental health services to the millions of under-served people facing emotional challenges. These elders are a vital source of support and healing for a nation of more than 14 million residents -- who are served by <b>13 psychiatrists</b> throughout the entire country.<br />
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Known as the Friendship Bench Project, this effort highlights the crucial role of connection and listening in facilitating healing. As a trained social worker, I would never underestimate the importance of the education I received, which enables me to diagnose mental illness, discern appropriate treatment protocols for various presenting problems, and understand psychopharmacology’s use in abetting symptoms. But decades of book learning is useless without the gifts of compassion, empathy and unconditional positive regard that all of us can learn and practice. Feeling heard, validated and supported help empower individuals to value themselves and their experiences, and to make healthy choices that move their lives forward. Knowing the difference between generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, for example, requires specific knowledge and assessment skills. But any of us can provide a safe and welcoming embrace, an interest in each other’s feelings, fears and experiences. Like these African grandmothers, we can ease other’s suffering, and their isolation, by the gift of our genuine interest and presence.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-84597496161265680822017-07-13T11:30:00.001-07:002017-07-13T11:30:21.837-07:00No Fear<span style="font-family: inherit;">Any belief that generates fear or feelings of unworthiness is false; it's a lie...Our authentic self </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">would never abuse us; it comes from love. --Don Miguel Ruiz</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Freedom comes with realizing that our fear is not real. Our fear is created by the beliefs and </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">thoughts we let rule our lives. Whether we fear snakes, being alone, losing a job or death, all </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">fear is empowered by the beliefs we carry. The death of a loved one will hurt, and we will feel </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">loss. But fearing that experience is a choice. Losing a job may create hardship or unknown </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">consequences, but fear is not an intrinsic component of loss. If we can courageously choose to </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">feel our experiences rather than fear them, we may discover a range of possible reactions, </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">including wonder and awe, a well of inner strength, a softness within us that allows for the </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">tenderest of connection. It is said that love is the opposite of fear. When we foster beliefs based </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">in love, we expand our possibilities, our faith, our compassion for others, and our value of </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">ourselves.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-13079546284770807102017-07-12T08:48:00.002-07:002017-07-12T08:48:22.315-07:00FlawsomeMy teachers have all come with the same message. Not “I am holier than thou,” but “You are as holy as I am.” -- Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God<br />
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Even if we can resist the pursuit of perfection, most of us find ourselves striving to be better than we currently are, to grow, whether it be in knowledge, insight, skill or physical strength. Accepting ourselves as we are can feel like “settling.” But consider the quote above. What if, just as we are, we are already “perfect”? What if our ideal self is flawed, and quirky; passionate and doubting; stubborn and patient and loving and fierce? Being our best selves needn't mean pushing ourselves to change. Perhaps, with our failings and questions and achievements, we are as we are meant to be. Maybe perfection is messy. Maybe it includes mistakes as well as accomplishments. Maybe our “holiness” resides in all that we are, exactly as we are.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-40654754758292933952017-06-16T07:29:00.001-07:002017-06-16T07:29:53.174-07:00Lost and Found<i>Sometimes what we appear to have lost is simply something it was time to leave behind</i>. --<br />
Marianne Williamson<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8V3bxllmSNGtye0nP2AW7JB33NfjL6RnNCYU6OWYesvlwmk3FZg8Se6whwlLQbGhOwwBDZa3qmtatFbaNPhiBTN4_I-ag2L8oYusikJjoGmPgPD4MGyY31QRzf4Ta66uJnX4VP0tf4d5D/s1600/istock_000011738379small.jpg.423b9afb82f28b45cd08baffdef39f8b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="850" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8V3bxllmSNGtye0nP2AW7JB33NfjL6RnNCYU6OWYesvlwmk3FZg8Se6whwlLQbGhOwwBDZa3qmtatFbaNPhiBTN4_I-ag2L8oYusikJjoGmPgPD4MGyY31QRzf4Ta66uJnX4VP0tf4d5D/s320/istock_000011738379small.jpg.423b9afb82f28b45cd08baffdef39f8b.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I cried tears of joy on my son’s graduation day. But I was also overwhelmed with sadness, a deep grieving for the end of the long chapter of my son’s childhood. I was struck, like so many parents before me, by the swiftness of the passing of time, and felt the bittersweet loss of my “little boy”, who almost magically appears to have transformed into the young man poised to launch into the larger world. But the quote above reminds me that endings need not be infused only with grief. Indeed, movement forward embraces possibilities that are yet to be, and can mark the necessity of endings to make room for the new, the better. “Leaving behind” my son’s school years speaks to his readiness to embark on his next adventure. Without doubt, graduating high school is an essential step in his journey to the person he is to become. Alongside my wistfulness for the gummy smile and sweet baby smell of his younger years, I can confer gratitude on all the stages that brought him to this milestone. And he can find his way forward to his truest, most brilliant self.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-37448028453986906962017-05-11T11:58:00.000-07:002017-05-11T11:58:07.123-07:00<h2>
<i><b>Happy Mother’s Day! </b></i></h2>
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<i>I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet, there would be no more wars. </i></div>
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<i>--
E.M. Forster</i></div>
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Parents want the best for their children. We want our children to be happy, safe; to achieve their dreams, to be proud of who they are. We want them to live in a world of peace and limitless possibilities. Legions of men support pacifism and resolution of conflict by peaceful means. But every mother I know would not think twice about embracing the children of a sworn enemy. The
responsibility, empathy and nurturing that defines motherhood is not bestowed only on our own children. Being a mother means being a mother to<b> </b><i><b>everyone </b>-- <b>always</b></i><b>.</b> We are mothers to our
friends, to the earth, to our pets, to all beings in need of unconditional love and acceptance.
Being a mother is the blessing of all creation, and the most meaningful role I could imagine. This
Mother’s Day, may all of the “mothers” of the world, regardless of gender, inspire us to meet
each other with peace, love and gratitude. And may we celebrate them for their investment in all
the world’s children.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-81606228919164544872017-05-04T09:46:00.002-07:002017-05-09T10:08:20.858-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Shine On</b></div>
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The sun shines on everyone <i>without discrimination</i>. - Pema Chodron, Buddhist</div>
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None of us thrives in darknesss. We need to step out from the shadows to soak up the energy that comes from the light. Yet, sometimes we can feel as if grace and fate and all good things are beyond our grasp. That we have missed our chance, that our flaws and mistakes eliminate our access to universal goodness. Yet, in truth, the sun doesn't ask our permission to cloak us in its healing. Simply being on this earth is our entrance fee to its sustaining and fueling charge. We don't need to “earn” our place in the sun. It's the same with our worth. Acknowledging our innate value, that we matter simply because we exist, is our birthright. As we can choose to turn our faces toward the sun, we can embrace our lives--each and every one of us--as the singular gifts they are from the universe. Let it shine. Let US shine, as brightly as the Earth’s star.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-34358774559765779232017-04-28T08:27:00.001-07:002017-05-09T10:09:46.083-07:00Feelings can be scary. Intense emotions, like rage or grief, can feel overwhelming or out of of our control. But if we can step back from our experience and look more closely at what we feel, we find that other, more tender emotions lie beneath that intensity, emotions that can teach us more about ourselves and even allow us to connect more authentically with others.<br />
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<b>Under the Cover of Darkness</b><br />
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Anger, for example, is a <i>secondary</i> emotion; that is, its appearance masks more vulnerable feelings like fear and hurt. When we have been mistreated, we may feel more powerful tapping into our anger at the slight than if we allow ourselves to feel the pain of our hurt or disappointment. I've often seen clients keep their partners at a distance with bluster and rages, only to dig deeper to discover that the explosive partner is terrified of being hurt, and acts out in order to feel safe from the perceived threat of being abandoned. Uncovering our vulnerabilities is courageous work; to allow someone else access to our hurt, fear and insecurity can feel like we are standing naked in a snowstorm. But the truth about our most vulnerable feelings is that they are <u>universal</u> -- all humans have felt them. Some of us are better skilled at burying our softness, but only when we bring these emotions and yearnings into the light, and toward each other, can we be fully seen and accepted. Our shared hurt and fear, our mirrored sadness and despair, can be bridges that bring us closer together, not keep us apart. The next time you feel enraged at a situation or person, peek beneath the anger. The fear, grief or shame you see there is an opportunity to know yourself more honestly, to accept your vulnerability as gratefully as your strength, and to offer yourself with more truth and wholeness to someone else.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-84401401362333885832017-04-20T11:09:00.000-07:002017-04-20T11:09:01.547-07:00“My roof is leaking. The roofer is estimating the repair may cost $5,000. Not to mention the<br />
money outlay to fix the stained ceiling. Tuition payments begin in a mere four months, and<br />
despite our creative finagling of loans, grants, savings and begging the college for a few extra<br />
dollars, our budget remains short. My arthritis is causing my hands to ache and throb, and on<br />
top of everything, it's raining!” I was depressing myself with my internal rant of complaints as I<br />
drove to the office. Could things possibly get any worse? I was about to spiral into Olympic-level<br />
catastrophizing when I instinctively turned my head at the stop light to scan the greening forest<br />
preserve I pass every day. And there it was, high above the tree line, wedged between thick<br />
graying branches void of the first bud of spring. A hawk’s nest.<br />
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From a hundred yards away, I could faintly make out the curves and juts of the twigs, the weight and size of the nest making it look more precariously housed than it probably was. Centered in the nest was a magnificent hawk, itself scanning the preserve, possibly contemplating the best path for hunting breakfast. The bird’s head was a lighter shade of the ashy brown feathers that covered its body. It's eye flicked in its orbit as I watched. The bird looked to be at least three feet tall, though my<br />
perspective could have skewed my vision. Its beak parted and I thought a caught a flash of<br />
silvery tongue. I noticed my own mouth was hanging open, so in awe was I of this rare<br />
communion with a creature I'd seen this close maybe only once or twice in my life. The beep of<br />
a horn behind me brought me back to the present and reminded me to get the car moving. But<br />
my energy was changed from that moment. Worries about money, stress about what ifs,<br />
irritation at having to live with the drywall dust and hammer-pounding that accompanies home<br />
repairs -- it all seemed like nonsense compared to what I'd just seen. The beauty of nature, the<br />
wondrousness of atoms and energy coming together to create a soaring creature that embodies<br />
majesty, the fortuitousness of being able to see the hawk in its home, perhaps just moments<br />
from its next flight shook me with gratitude. How lucky was I? Being a sheltered suburbanite<br />
who rarely veers from the confines of subdivisions, strip malls and paved streets, I knew I might<br />
never experience the <i>kismet</i> of this meeting again. I blessed that powerful creature, the<br />
Universe who gifted me with this sight, and let me heart expand with joy. Yes, indeed -- how<br />
lucky I am.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-69835528624277051132017-04-13T08:59:00.004-07:002017-04-13T08:59:57.954-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Boundaries and Bloodlines</span></b></div>
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Boundaries are necessary, helpful, even reassuring. But they can be challenging to put in place.<br />
Between family members especially, clients may report feeling guilty or selfish when they set<br />
limits to protect themselves or establish healthier dynamics.<br />
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<b>Close...Closer...Enmeshed?</b></div>
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While there are innumerable reasons to set boundaries, people may feel that saying “no” to<br />
family members will damage the relationship or indicates a lack of loyalty. As therapists, we<br />
encourage clients to honor the bonds that are important to them, but not to blindly assume that<br />
a genetic link to another requires the client to sacrifice their time, energy, will or happiness for<br />
the sake of someone else. We don't automatically<i> owe</i> family members our allegiance --<br />
certainly, many clients come to therapy with a history of abusive or unhealthy family<br />
relationships. As in relationships with friends, spouses and coworkers, the most fulfilling and<br />
effective family dynamics are laced with respect, communication and mutual investment. Pulling<br />
the “but we’re <i>related</i>! ” card is, at best, a weak argument for why we should agree/do<br />
for/support a family member, and, at worst, a toxic manipulation that uses guilt and obligation to<br />
get the desired reaction. Accepting less-than-respectful treatment from family members just<br />
because they are family doesn't display loyalty or commitment to the family over self, but<br />
minimizes the inherent value of people on both sides. Respecting our needs as <b>equal</b> to others<br />
-- even the “others” within our family tribe -- can enhance the health of relationships, model<br />
self-respect, even provide a safety net to prevent unequal power distribution. Firm, clear, yet<br />
flexible boundaries can actually provide the structure for family members to deepen their<br />
connections and feel safe within relationships that may be the longest lasting in our lives.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-85712649375817916742017-04-07T08:30:00.000-07:002017-07-26T08:49:24.690-07:00As parents, our instinct is to protect our children from harm, to buffer them from life’s challenges and hurts. Divorce can be a difficult experience that tests our abilities as parents to provide our kids with a canopy of safety that keeps at bay the struggles inherent in this major life shift.<br />
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<b>Learning from Experience</b><br />
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Parents in intact families may unconsciously run “interference” at times between their child and the other parent. How many kids know which parent will fork over $10 for a movie, or which one is likely to overlook missed chores? But in divorced families, where the differences in values, rules and expectations between parents may be more overt, knowing when to step in and when to keep out of the way of the other parent/child relationship is crucial to our children's healthy development and maintaining working boundaries between the now “two” family systems. Especially when one or both parents is carrying anger or hurt from the ended marriage, it can be easy to step in to “rescue” a child from what we perceive is unhealthy or damaging behavior on the part of the other parent. But short of our child experiencing physical or severe emotional harm from the interaction, we serve both systems best by letting the participants work out the interaction organically. All children, whether young or older, in intact or divorced families, need to develop <b><i>individual</i></b> relationships with each parent devoid of influence from the other parent.<br />
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Children need to learn who each of their parents truly are, and this best happens when dynamics are shaped by only the child and parent actually involved. I regularly remind clients that, if their ex is truly a selfish or narcissistic or unreasonable personality (or, conversely, generous, forgiving and flexible) the client needs to have faith in their child's ability to learn who the parent is through direct experience. We may think we are protecting our kids from our ex’s bad habits, but those “habits” are part of who the other parent IS, and our kids need to learn that their parents are real people, with faults and flaws and sometimes poor choices in their backgrounds. Seeing their parents as “real” allows kids to give themselves grace when they falter themselves. And the sooner children can know who their parents are authentically, the sooner a genuine and mutual relationship can develop. Again, if a parent is physically abusive or verbally attacking or shaming our child, we need to advocate for the child's safety. But in most cases, parents need to step back and let the child learn how to navigate the relationship with the parent in this new incarnation. Our kids need our protection, but they also need us to believe in their ability to discern who others are, their motivations and quirks and characters. Sometimes we do need to give them shelter, but much more often, our task as parents is to encourage our children to fly.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-39893131390875505902017-03-16T14:33:00.001-07:002017-08-21T11:16:14.721-07:00The Other Side of Fear<div style="text-align: left;">
Abandon hope. I frowned, flipping back to the front cover of my book. Yep, I was smack dab in the middle of my daily Buddhist meditation reader. I reread the first line of the entry again. Abandon hope. What the...WHAT?!?! Could Pema Chodron--admired, wise and renowned Buddhist nun--possibly be suggesting that I give up hope as a way of achieving peace? As I read on, the answer was clear. Yes. Yes, she was.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The Other Side of Fear</span></b></div>
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Chodron writes that hope and fear “is a feeling with two sides.” Regardless of which side we find ourselves, we are always looking to change what IS. We strive to end pain, or find an answer, to distract ourselves or improve our circumstances. Whether we choose hope or fear, we are effectively avoiding the Now, attempting to circumvent our discomfort or transform our experience into something “better” or “different.” Chodron posits that abandoning hope is “an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning.” If we can step away from the traditional Judeo-Christian interpretations of hope that permeate Western living, we can realize that both hope and fear come from a feeling of lack, that we are missing something, that the Now is not perfect in itself, even in its uneasiness, its imperfection, its hurt. Only by leaning into our real experience in the Now can we learn our limitlessness, our tenderness, our ability to embrace another with true compassion. “Hope robs us of the present moment,” Chodron writes. With courage and practice, we can learn to let go of hope and fully lean in to what is, and all that this moment has to teach us.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-73350721684214485492017-03-09T10:26:00.002-08:002017-08-21T11:25:57.110-07:00The False Gains of Co-dependency<br />
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<b>The False Gains of Co-dependency</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWhyphenhyphenvnAWf9yuAKtF1vU6CdsBaEJFaPlRp89qV0_hY-_20qYKHUjcf0fbwpRGU9tHVC3sxUFoVDuA0YGJIppKKHGvuquKp8tpOhc3Ltjp5FlD0R5OiHrkYTj2QtSPWeGEE6sTYItMO1gJa/s1600/codepdenency1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWhyphenhyphenvnAWf9yuAKtF1vU6CdsBaEJFaPlRp89qV0_hY-_20qYKHUjcf0fbwpRGU9tHVC3sxUFoVDuA0YGJIppKKHGvuquKp8tpOhc3Ltjp5FlD0R5OiHrkYTj2QtSPWeGEE6sTYItMO1gJa/s320/codepdenency1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Co-dependency, with all its negative connotations, also brings benefits that make these behaviors difficult to surrender. For the “enabler” (the person who ‘does’ for the other what the other could/should do for themselves), care taking is often appreciated by others, and even society affirms people who sacrifice to meet the needs of others. For the individual who is being enabled, it can feel nurturing to have someone willing to rescue or “fix” things to ensure a desired outcome. These benefits make it challenging for clients to see how leaving behind co-dependent behaviors can improve their well-being and relationships. Educating clients about the role and importance of functioning can be a way to understand why a more egalitarian dynamic is desirable. For the enabler, giving up their over-functioning behaviors can provide the client with energy to devote to more fulfilling endeavors, and can offer a sense of relief from the constant sense of over-responsibility that plagues the enabler’s life. In turn, the person being enabled can discover their own unique competencies when they decide to stop under-functioning and take charge of his own life and the outcomes of his choices. Steering his own course can be an affirming and esteem-building path that results in heightened competency and more positive self-image.<br />
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Change is scary, and adopting unfamiliar ways of relating and coping comes with the fear of the unknown. But growth, strength and resilience will replace skewed functioning and unequal power dynamics. Healthy inter-dependency is the truest path to real intimacy, equality and connection.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-60079919714362757542017-02-28T08:56:00.001-08:002017-08-21T11:32:21.539-07:00Unplug<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I now know what it feels like to be truly “unplugged.” For the entire week of our Caribbean cruise, I was unable to access the Internet or send or receive emails or texts. I couldn't scan Facebook or Pinterest. I couldn't even confirm the balance in my checking account through my bank’s app. The cruise line did offer a costly Wi-fi package, but we decided to spend our money on our onshore excursions instead. I let my phone die, shoved it to the bottom of my suitcase, and proceeded to be fully present to my long-anticipated vacation.</div>
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As the days wore on, I noticed a loosening of my shoulder muscles, my jaw relaxing. I spent time waiting in lines for dinner, a drink or my shore tour to start talking with my fellow vacationers. Instead of checking my phone, I watched the waves foam against the sand and tracked the flight of a flock of cormorants that followed us into port. I noticed the subtle differences of the light playing on the ocean at dusk, beneath cloudy skies, when the moon was rising. I woke up each morning and ended each night without updating my Facebook status or keeping current on emails. I'm hardly a slave to technology, but within 24 hours of being “phone-free”, my mind was quieter, my pace slower, my breathing deeper. No doubt being on vacation brought me a renewed sense of calm and peace. But being completely inaccessible to the connectivity that is everpresent in our modern world provided my with a freedom and lightness I've not experienced in many years. I'm hoping to challenge myself in my daily life to take “breaks” from my internet connections on a more regular basis. Vacations aren't the only times I could benefit from being more present. And both my body and my mind benefit when I allow myself to turn off, step away and disconnect from blinking cursors and pinging texts. Perhaps I can find inspiration and relaxation not only in a tropical vista, but in my own backyard.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-67571585813819492152017-01-26T11:40:00.002-08:002017-01-26T11:40:45.451-08:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Sober Living</span></div>
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<br />
Abstinence is NOT sobriety. Abstaining from drugs, alcohol or an addictive process like<br />
gambling or sex is the beginning stage of recovery, the foundation to living a sober lifestyle.<br />
Sobriety is the long, challenging, but rewarding journey of living a life of integrity, service to<br />
others, spiritual development and accountability. Many addicts can have periods of being<br />
“clean”, and can fall into the trap of false hope that they ca n stay clean by simply resisting the<br />
urge to use. But treatment specialists know that, time and again, addicts will fall back into their<br />
addiction if they are not learning, practicing and living by the tenets of a sober life. Alcoholics<br />
Anonymous (AA) and many other 12-step groups provide a structure, a community, for addicts<br />
to learn the life skills and develop the spiritual foundation to help them sustain their abstinence<br />
and develop a healthy, truly sober way of living. Being sober includes fostering respectful<br />
relationships, being transparent and honest in what we say and do, and shedding the<br />
self-centeredness that marks the addict’s movement through the world. Only through sobriety<br />
can addicts hope to connect with others, with their Higher Power, and find the strength to make<br />
using truly a part of their past, and not a constant threat to their present. Abstinence allows us to<br />
put on the running shoes, but sobriety gives us the strength, faith and hope to finish the race.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-15489779172223533252017-01-20T09:10:00.002-08:002017-01-20T09:10:28.087-08:00<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>From the Inside Out</b></div>
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We all want to be liked. Having friends, getting positive feedback, knowing people enjoy our company feels <i>good</i>. We gain a sense of esteem and value from others’ appreciation of our talents and presence. Many clients have told me that the flattering opinions of others helps them feel they matter. Unfortunately, relying on others to “fill us up” leaves us vulnerable to becoming an empty vessel. We can't guarantee that we will always hear accolades from “adoring fans”, but we can be assured that our <i>own</i> voices are constantly available to us. <br /><br />
The loudest critic resides in our minds. Whenever someone else rejects or dismisses us, it's our <i>own</i> <br />self-regard that tells us to disregard that feedback, or to clutch it in a death grip. If a part of us is already doubting that we are smart, or talented, or powerful, we will seize on others’ criticism and begin to give it weight. We are unable to embrace criticism that we don't suspect could be true. To counter these emotional threats, we must practice providing ourselves with the positive scripts that celebrate our successes and note our gifts. We have the most powerful cheerleader within us at every moment. When we can build our inner resilience and confidence by recognizing our own worth, the voices outside become less relevant. Our value becomes an inherent part of us, unassailable by the messages from the world, and we are “filled” to overflowing. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-76708856444042205902017-01-12T14:46:00.003-08:002017-01-12T14:46:45.873-08:00<b>ME Time -- the second 50 years</b><div>
<br />“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming...suddenly you find -- at the age of 50, say -- that a<br />
whole new life has opened up before you.” - Agatha Christie<br />
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<br />
My family is taking every opportunity to remind me that I will soon be turning “the big 5-0.” We<br />
pass a speed limit sign: “Mom, even the sign is warning you that you're going to be 50!” My wife<br />
filled out an AARP application in my name. And asked if I had earned the senior discount at the<br />
movie theatre. I don't mind (much), though, because I'm continuously reminding THEM, that,<br />
come February 9th, they and their needs are going to have to get in the back seat, because life<br />
will be <b>ALL ABOUT ME</b>.<br />
<br />
<b>Mine, All Mine</b><br />
<br />
For as long as I can remember, I've told myself that, when I turn 50, I'll have truly earned the<br />
right to call my life fully <i>mine</i>. I have no idea why I chose such an arbitrary number, and not 30,<br />
or 45, or even 15. Indeed, I support clients in owning their lives fully and authentically from the<br />
moment we begin work together, and I wholeheartedly believe we all have a right to live by our<br />
own truth and vision of who we are and what we want. Perhaps it's being raised in a more<br />
traditional family, where the women were expected to be -- and enjoyed -- caretaking their<br />
families. Maybe it's my “nurturer”personality -- for years, I didn't sit down, eat, or wrangle the<br />
rights to the remote control until everyone else had their turns. And I don't regret the decades of<br />
putting others’ needs first. I gained fulfillment, purpose and a sense of achievement knowing my<br />
efforts helped my family members feel cared for, supported, and celebrated. But now it's <b>MY</b><br />
time. Whether it's a nap in the middle of the day, or saying “not interested” to an invitation, I've<br />
given myself permission to do <b>what I want, when I want</b>. My family is used to hearing my<br />
opinions, and they would be surprised if I suddenly censored myself when it comes to claiming<br />
my values or beliefs. But I'm not entirely sure how any of us will react when, for the first time, I<br />
push myself to set my needs squarely before theirs. They tell me I should have done this years<br />
ago, that I never needed a particular birthday to dawn in order to assume the universal right to<br />
meet my own needs. And as much as I am anticipating saying “I'm not doing that because I<br />
don't want to,” I wonder if I'll hesitate when my choice impacts the comfort or preference of<br />
someone else. What I do know is that I'm excited to find out. I'm pretty sure that this blooming is<br />
going to be <b>FABULOUS</b>.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-846480272039353812016-12-15T10:20:00.003-08:002016-12-15T10:20:59.881-08:00Recovery celebrates the gains people will experience when they let go of their addiction.<br />
Improved health, restored dignity, healed relationships -- the gifts of recovery are innumerable,<br />
and each day of abstinence brings even more peace and possibility to the addict’s life. Rarely,<br />
though, do we acknowledge that recovery is marked as well by deep and profound loss.<br />
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<br />
<b>Hidden Losses</b><br />
Clients in recovery must say goodbye to habits, places and people that may have been the most<br />
important parts of their lives for years, even decades. Many report that their drug of choice was<br />
their “best friend”, the only constant source of support and relief they may have felt they had.<br />
They can no longer spend time in the places they frequented when they were using; their using<br />
crowd can no longer be the folks they count as their closest intimates. Even letting go of the<br />
routines that accompanied their addiction -- the sound of the lighter against their cigarette, the<br />
ritual of sharing drugs that accompanied most social gatherings -- are losses that may haunt<br />
recovering addicts for months, even years. Despite the countless benefits people will<br />
experience from choosing abstinence, their sadness and grief is as real and valid. Allowing<br />
recovering addicts to own, feel and speak about their losses communicates an understanding<br />
that change, no matter how positive, is always accompanied by e ndings. In this new beginning<br />
of sobriety, people need to know that they have the right to grieve what they are leaving behind.<br />
Despite the “friend” of addiction being an eventual killer, addicts often feel wistful about this<br />
necessary cutoff. Embracing recovery means bidding farewell to meaningful touchstones of the<br />
past, in order to enjoy the promises of a sober future.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-74355995287343197752016-12-08T09:44:00.001-08:002016-12-08T09:44:03.070-08:00<b>Making Room for Grief </b><br />
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Grief can stop time. We can be brought to our knees, unable to believe we will ever move beyond the gaping hole of loss that has forever changed the landscape of our lives. Enduring profound loss is one of the most painful of human experiences. But almost as excruciating is being witness to the grief of someone we love. <br />
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<br />
<b>Healing Their Hurts </b><br />
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When we love someone, we want to protect and shelter them from pain. We try to heal their hurt, or, even better, keep them from being wounded in the first place. But our instincts can be misguided, even hurtful, if we truncate the course of someone’s grief process. Rather than easing their pain, attempting to curtail grief can create a sense of minimizing the loss. People who don't feel they have the right or “permission” to grieve as deeply or for as long as they need to report feeling shame and guilt, and experience anger and resentment toward those who may have communicated that their grief is unwarranted. Even the best intentions -- an attempt to encourage a grieving person to “forget” their loss or to imply that the loss is “for the best” -- can cause deep pain and confusion. People who've lost a loved one, a job, even a coveted dream, most need validation. They need to hear that their feelings are valid, real and deserved. We must communicate that they have every right to their sorrow, to express it in ways that feel right for them, and that grief has no prescribed end date. Grieving people need to know we will remember with them, not push them to forget. Paying witness to another’s grief can be a powerful gift of intimacy and healing, confirming the value of the lost person, relationship or experience, and reminding us all of the preciousness of time and connection.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-60630715520208480712016-11-10T13:08:00.001-08:002016-11-10T13:08:25.984-08:00Love>Fear <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg75A2IjoV-HDR8jyyLlcaDSQR8S9-EF36zpGGZUMTP-wWHSDDSu7cjqzMQpRapzKJlafYXZ5DBoTGyWhMjyiiMxBoaQHjiCNlPj-IkEf9FTy0okmdpgN7bV3z-ZaeSaqS8hNze-WSYnwbg/s1600/il_fullxfull.879081945_lact.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg75A2IjoV-HDR8jyyLlcaDSQR8S9-EF36zpGGZUMTP-wWHSDDSu7cjqzMQpRapzKJlafYXZ5DBoTGyWhMjyiiMxBoaQHjiCNlPj-IkEf9FTy0okmdpgN7bV3z-ZaeSaqS8hNze-WSYnwbg/s320/il_fullxfull.879081945_lact.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I started my morning in a muddled daze, having spent a sleepless night tracking the results of the presidential election. Considering the outcome, I'd expected to respond to the reality with a sense of outrage, of fear, of concern for all the potential changes that await our country and that, in large part, remain unknown and untested. But as I moved into the first hours of the day, I found myself feeling strangely calm, almost at peace, in the face of more questions than I had answers. Where was this peace coming from? How could I feel sadness and grief, unhappiness with the election results, but still be able to observe a larger sense of quiet and contemplation that was larger than I am? When I allowed myself the space to analyze my response with critical awareness, I realized that the sense of calm I felt was coming from a sense beyond my feelings: I was responding from a place of <i>faith. </i>Not faith in the,religious sense of the world, necessarily, but from a choice to believe in what I have always thought true. Namely, in the ultimate innate goodness of humanity as a whole. In the benevolence of the universe. That everything comes full circle, and that, cliche as it may seem, this, too, will pass. As I believe in the constancy of nature, of fall following summer, I continue to believe that my only true movement forward is to embrace that faith that all will be well. That love is bigger than hate. And that love is a choice that is <b>always </b>available to me. I don't know if tomorrow I will awaken with that same sense of possibility and, dare I say, hopefulness. But I know I can count on the option to choose love. I hope, with all my mind and all my spirit, that love is the courageous risk we are all willing to take.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-10695142444189935882016-10-28T04:18:00.001-07:002016-10-28T04:18:53.860-07:00Shirking the Stigma of Mental Illness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD5IzeQoHUDwsZv3n5z07HSMBacvhDopJgKcVjtMmu4uFoXdbHgAqXQTdJ6MVrpT_zanVs6N4tt6gXybDnSwZjVYEwcPkD3tnyqik-HE1aipnGuXfZC40ac1JfnNb2ADugxw3ymwtLL4Im/s1600/e0045447e37558ae4a6314e1894ab452.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD5IzeQoHUDwsZv3n5z07HSMBacvhDopJgKcVjtMmu4uFoXdbHgAqXQTdJ6MVrpT_zanVs6N4tt6gXybDnSwZjVYEwcPkD3tnyqik-HE1aipnGuXfZC40ac1JfnNb2ADugxw3ymwtLL4Im/s320/e0045447e37558ae4a6314e1894ab452.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
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Even after more than 20 years in the mental health field, I continue to hear stories of clients stigmatized by the inappropriate use of psychiatric diagnosis, of people waiting years, even decades, before seeking treatment. Some of my clients have hidden the fact that they are in therapy from their family members. Despite the gains we have made as a culture to dispel the negative stereotypes of mental illness and seeking treatment, many people still fear being judged as "weak," "crazy" or "incompetent" for pursuing counseling and/or medications to treat and help alleviate their symptoms, when in fact, resilience and strength are the real core characteristics of individuals brave enough to seek help when they are feeling their worst. I am familiar with the internal struggle clients experience when they must push against these unfair judgements, because I carried those judgments against myself years ago when I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression and prescribed anti-depressants. I'd already been in the social work field for several years, and was regularly attending therapy, which I considered a kind of "weekly visit to the gym" for my psyche and spirit. But after the birth of my son, a crushing depression characterized by nearly ceaseless crying spells, paralyzing self-doubt and a sense of hopelessness about the future frightened me enough to ask my doctor for a psychiatric referral. I was lucky -- I was quickly assessed by a competent physician, prescribed medication that I tolerated well and found helpful in lifting my mood, lightening the darkness that seemed to be clouding my life and provided me with a more realistic perspective on my life and this new chapter in it. I quickly returned to my "normal" level of functioning, and realized that I had likely suffered from a mild depression for as long as I could remember, including throughout childhood. The range of mood, positive outlook and hopefulness I felt once my medication was properly dosed were experiences I'd never had before. I continued to see clients and work with adolescents and adults with a range of life challenges. But my experience with depression -- and even more significantly, with psychiatric treatment and medication management -- offered me a level of empathy and understanding that increased my skills as a clinician. Years passed before I was brave enough to share my diagnosis amd treatment experience with clients. In many instances, it was a "game changer", as clients reported feeling like I "really got" the totality of their experience. But I also eventually realized that my depression is simply a thread in the cloth of my life, no bigger or more important than the threads I call "book lover", "amateur chef", "devoted mother", or "unapologetic disco fan." My depression is not a flaw, weakness or shameful secret. It's simply part of me, and likely always will be, like my brown eyes or love of crime novels. When I could embrace <i>all </i>the parts of me, my life and experience without judgement or labeling, I knew I could authentically encourage clients to do the same. We still have a ways to go to see mental illness as we do cancer or diabetes: as a medical condition that occurs irregardless of the character of the patient, and as worthy of effective, timely treatment and compassionate, supportive care. We would never blame a cancer patient for their disease, but rather celebrate their strengths in the face of a debilitating illness and unknown treatment outcomes. I look forward to the time when we approach people living with illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia with the same empathy, compassion and admiration.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-52145969703098042692016-10-20T12:37:00.001-07:002016-10-20T12:37:18.686-07:00Say What You Gotta SayCommunication issues are a core reason people seek therapy. Whether couples seek counseling to learn how to resolve conflicts or individuals desire to learn assertive, effective ways to share their feelings, therapy can help people develop the skills to speak their truth. But often clients will say, "it won't matter what I say. They won't listen to me." But being heard is not the only endgame of speaking our truth.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIvjpB4PaISjh0XtshA6WjvPl6nkyhC2K7uVuXWi28bmi7Y4KvT-RW3RxpZ7QfVXqMwDnf9a3XgXSTsoIOjymkgxvmLrJN7bXW9Rz8S1avJD3xtVCATfW4jOvzDRlQdpvAg5Fom9U6RrrQ/s1600/Speak-Up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIvjpB4PaISjh0XtshA6WjvPl6nkyhC2K7uVuXWi28bmi7Y4KvT-RW3RxpZ7QfVXqMwDnf9a3XgXSTsoIOjymkgxvmLrJN7bXW9Rz8S1avJD3xtVCATfW4jOvzDRlQdpvAg5Fom9U6RrrQ/s320/Speak-Up.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Truth Connects Us </b></div>
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We cannot control whether people listen to what we say. Whether or not people do what we want or respond favorably to our requests, our feelings and opinions still deserve to be aired. Not because we can guarantee the end result, but because we respect <i>ourselves </i>and the <i>other. </i>We demonstrate respect for ourselves when we give our feelings the weight they deserve. With our expression of our thoughts and feelings, we show others that we respect them enough to be honest and authentic. We become empowered when we resist censoring ourselves. Our courage to be authentic gives others the encouragement to be as real themselves, With genuine conversation, truth-sharing and empathetic expression of our wants and needs, we gain more than being heard, even more than getting the response we want. We develop shared respect, deeper understandings and genuine connections.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-47164261299363471392016-10-13T08:57:00.003-07:002016-10-13T14:35:54.630-07:00"It Is What It Is" -- But IS It?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmR_6xGyqNM0Zw6gK3B73HbSlMtVVNe66We6Jrwn79Wi9casrmWo13D-dA_oXtlZp3HQK2aWxvjBdI_a5D9EjTLXdf96BWDu8e33vhyphenhyphen858T8MUAJNL-QhmE1KAIXr2XgaVwyPtuqtDdLhM/s1600/Make-a-Bun-Without-a-Hair-Tie-Step-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmR_6xGyqNM0Zw6gK3B73HbSlMtVVNe66We6Jrwn79Wi9casrmWo13D-dA_oXtlZp3HQK2aWxvjBdI_a5D9EjTLXdf96BWDu8e33vhyphenhyphen858T8MUAJNL-QhmE1KAIXr2XgaVwyPtuqtDdLhM/s320/Make-a-Bun-Without-a-Hair-Tie-Step-8.jpg" width="320"></a></div>
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First used in sociology, the concept of <b>social construction</b> pertains to the ways social phenomena are created, institutionalized and made into tradition by humans. In more everyday language, we name objects, customs and behaviors based on how we see their functions in relation to our times. For example, we see a ballpoint pen and think "a writing instrument." But to our ancestors thousands of years ago, the slim, cylindrical object might be used as a tool to dig in the dirt before planting seeds, or as a "drumstick" <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">to create rhythms when struck against a hollow gourd. Similarly, in modern times, aboriginal people of the rain forest would be unlikely to need an ink pen in their nature-based lives. </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">How we use things guides us in naming them, as does where we are in history. Now, apply this idea to the labels we speak and think everyday. Man. Woman. Teenager. Success. Health. Goodness. Work. Play. Marriage. How do we define what makes up our world? Does the meaning of these words change across cultures, or even within our own lives, as we grow and change? Do we assume everyone uses these labels to mean the same things? By questioning the meaning, appropriateness and effectiveness of our morals, expectations and social rules, we allow for the evolution of greater understanding and compassion to occur. When we pause to explore whether an idea or custom still serves us, we enact the freedom that allows us to embrace new possibilities. Some things in life may remain unchangeable: gravity, nighttime following day, carbon as the basis of human life. But so much that we believe just "is", in reality, is what we choose to call it and how we choose to see it in this moment in time. What </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">is </i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">more accurately could be called what </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">could be. </i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-19591463503804711242016-09-29T10:26:00.002-07:002016-09-29T10:26:12.478-07:00The Extraordinariness of the Ordinary"Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate <i>ordinary </i>with <i>boring </i>or, even more dangerous, <i>ordinary </i>has become synonymous with <i>meaningless.</i>" -- Brene Brown, <i>I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) </i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_dIYFUVS6q0fwSL8LY5S_iWg3BRyyg1tGozvwOi3ZwSav8SRA631YLv-tREAw7WJmKjCpff1UjOU15XCnorllr76cS3KBAJYT9Ddjl7BfzWPYPZbzdz4jALNj30HxEOxRz6bdU1uo5otg/s1600/AAEAAQAAAAAAAANXAAAAJGQ4MjlmZDBmLWIyNjYtNGI1OC04MzdlLWU5YjdkNDA2NzQ0Zg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_dIYFUVS6q0fwSL8LY5S_iWg3BRyyg1tGozvwOi3ZwSav8SRA631YLv-tREAw7WJmKjCpff1UjOU15XCnorllr76cS3KBAJYT9Ddjl7BfzWPYPZbzdz4jALNj30HxEOxRz6bdU1uo5otg/s320/AAEAAQAAAAAAAANXAAAAJGQ4MjlmZDBmLWIyNjYtNGI1OC04MzdlLWU5YjdkNDA2NzQ0Zg.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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As I near my 50th birthday, I'm aware that many of us at the midline of our lives become reflective of our journey thus far, while also looking ahead to whatever achievements or dreams we still plan to pursue. I'm finding, however, that the future I look forward to will be marked, I'm hoping, with "smaller" moments, a slower pace, a focus much more on "being" than "doing." And this thought jars me, at least initally. In my first few decades, ambition and material comfort and building a family and a career kept me moving, always anticipating the next necessary step to achieve my goals. I gained esteem and competency by acknowledging my efforts and their impact, and by making the most of the "big" moments in my life (i.e., graduations, marriage, a promotion, having children.) And yet, those milestones were hardly extraordinary, and I found they rarely defined or sustained me for long. I know I'll never be famous, or cure cancer, or run a sub-four-minute mile. My face will never grace currency, nor will my name be recorded in any history books. But I've discovered the "ordinariness" of my life's days are graced with such wonder and bounty that I can't imagine any material honor could rival. And I want <b>more </b>of "those" kinds of days. The days of enjoying languorous sunsets; of my elderly dog's soft muzzle -- and even softer eyes -- settled comfortably in my lap. The meals I love cooking, filled with colors and aromas and shared with the people who matter. The softness of my beloved's neck, or the achingly sweet sound of my near-grown son snoring softly in the next room. No longer do I believe my life has to be unique or exemplary or "larger-than-life" to be worthy, important -- to be overflowing with meaning. I know now that contained in every "ordinary" moment is the totality of magic that makes <i>all </i>life truly a miracle. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-88803987057884391962016-09-22T12:22:00.001-07:002016-09-22T12:22:51.363-07:00The Stranger Among UsOur family is about to wrap up our last college visit this weekend. Our son is polishing his college applications and researching potential scholarship opportunities. For the most part, our venture into the college search has been marked with open communication, shared excitement and anticipation of the new experiences ahead for my son as he launches into his next phase of life. But most recently, my usually affectionate, talkative, connected kid has shown us a different persona -- curt, isolated, ripe with comments like "I can't wait till I'm OUT of here!", and "You won't know ANYTHING I'm doing when I'm away at school!" Wait...what???<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-EaEL3ah871kv1pDHWiQk-3eDBPtzfFI7tZeGXJurMkFtiXpgVakD-SFtau5rUBd6DtYAcU6HU2_WdM7hNa-XSGPz33kk1SLFePsxQGdq2Bb_QgV3_M1I5D68Zb4HM3G0vYr2EWazT4U/s1600/childgoingawaycollege.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-EaEL3ah871kv1pDHWiQk-3eDBPtzfFI7tZeGXJurMkFtiXpgVakD-SFtau5rUBd6DtYAcU6HU2_WdM7hNa-XSGPz33kk1SLFePsxQGdq2Bb_QgV3_M1I5D68Zb4HM3G0vYr2EWazT4U/s320/childgoingawaycollege.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>The Push and Pull of Separation </b></div>
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Luckily, my sanity -- and training -- kicked in relatively quickly. After I reigned in my carastrophic thinking ("Is he doing drugs? I know it, the last time he'll speak to me is when I drop him off at college! Doesn't he realize I'm the <i>COOL </i>mom?? We'll see how he likes being grounded until graduation!!") I realized my son is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing: he's <b>separating. </b>The developmental task of separation/individuation happens to allow children to discover who they are in relation to where and who they came from. This phase can include rebellious behavior, exploration of new or alternate values and interests, and a greater investment in peer relationships over family. When an adolescent pulls away from family influences and moves toward new experiences, people and ideas, he is building the "muscles" of self-identification. I thought back to myself in high school -- my shaved head, punk rock preferences and surly posturing were no doubt concerning to <i>my </i>parents. But, like most people, I mirrored most of my family of origin's values and belief systems once I fully arrived in adulthood. And I am <i>fully </i>aware that my son's pushback is mild compared to the challenges many parents face with acting out adolescents. My greatest hope for my son has always been that he believe enough in himself to launch into the world with authenticity and confidence. If the cost of that is a few eye rolls, exaggerated sighs and reminders of just how "uncool" my rules and requests are, I'm willing to pay that price. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302134372497950587.post-44606506415175014622016-09-15T08:33:00.001-07:002016-09-15T08:33:35.098-07:00ADHD -- It's Not Child's Play<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Often first diagnosed in childhood, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a condition that often lasts into adulthood. Symptoms of inattention or restlessness may appear in both kids and adults, but adults with ADHD may exhibit a very different presentation than what most people think of when they hear the term "ADHD." Due to maturity and a lifetime of social conditioning, adults may not be "bouncing off the walls", but instead may struggle with inability to focus, low frustration tolerance, forgetfulness and disorganization. Relationship and social problems may haunt these adults, as those they interact with may mistakenly ascribe their distractility or lack of follow through as being indications of disinterest or unwillingness to be accountable in the relationship. Adults with ADHD may be able to tolerate the frustrations they experience at work, but decompensate in the "safe zone" of their home or intimate relationship. Thrill-seeking behaviors, substance abuse, contact with law enforcement and overspending are not necessarily emblematic of character deficits. Rather, for adults with ADHD, these acting-out behaviors may have developed initially as coping skills to manage frustrations or their need for stimulation. If you or a loved one was diagnosed and treated for ADHD as a child and are experiencing some of these symptoms, pursue an evaluation with a therapist or psychiatrist trained in diagnosing attentional difficulties. And since some individuals learned to compensate exceedingly well in childhood, many adults with ADHD go undiagnosed for decades, suffering unnecessarily the stress, low self-esteem and vulnerability that accompanies this disorder. Treatment may include medication, executive skills coaching, neurofeedback, and brain training via computerized teaching tools. ADHD is highly treatable, and the creativity, intelligence and resourcefulness of many of these individuals can easily surpass the deficits of the disorder if treated correctly.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16845741132429695764noreply@blogger.com0