The Family Triangle

When families encounter difficulties in communication, therapy can be helpful in providing skills and education to help members avoid further misunderstandings and negative dynamics. Sometimes, clients can benefit from learning to use "I-statements" to diffuse defensiveness, or reflective listening to ensure the correct message is being received from the sender. But other patterns of family interactions can create deep wounds and mistrust that can take intense work to remediate.

Three Sides, All Unequal 

Triangulation occurs when one family member avoids direct communication with another family member about his/her behavior, choosing instead to communicate with a third member about their concerns. For example, a mother may share her fear and frustration about her husband's alcoholism with her child, creating a peer-like relationship that requires more from the child than he reasonably can provide. In addition, the mother's sharing can create fear and anxiety in the child, or the child may feel responsible for "fixing" the situation. Triangulation causes a warp in communication, similar to the childhood game of "telephone," creating misinformation, distrust and confusion. Roles of parent, child and sibling can be upended, and emotional safety between family members suffers. Because triangulation can feel "rewarding" by providing some members with an inflated sense of power, or others with an "out" for confronting another, this dynamic often becomes entrenched. Counseling allows families to learn the real costs of these patterns, and how to approach one another with respect and honesty. We know that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Families learn that communicating directly with one another can bridge the distance between members, facilitating real intimacy and avoiding the woundedness and distress created by triangulation. 

Vanity, Thy Name is Narcissus

We've all known the type: the egotistical, self-centered lout who consistently trounces over the needs of others in his drive to be noticed and applauded. The abrasive scene-stealer who truly believes she is better than her peers, regardless of their characters or achievements. Or the insensitive, dismissive diva who can't put herself in another's shoes. Perhaps now more than ever, whether the results of entitlement or attachment issues first budding in infancy, narcissists seem to abound in our society.

"It's All About ME!"

Narcissism can run the gamut between a slightly overgrown sense of self (a character trait) to a pathological grouping of negative behaviors and attitudes that leaves pain and destruction in its path (a full-blown Narcissitic Personality Disorder). Now before you go "diagnosing" yourself as a narcissist because you stole your sister's dolly when you were 6, or because you chose to treat yourself to a massage rather than attend Aunt Velda's birthday party, remember that while everyone has moments of selfishness, rarely do we exhibit the consistent, extreme egotism and diminishment of others' realities that mark a true narcissistic person. Narcissists have a grandiose self-image, craving admiration and adulation from those around them. They have difficulty distinguishing themselves from outside objects, assuming that their feelings or perceptions hold true for everyone. Perhaps most troubling, narcissists lack empathy -- they cannot feel what others are feeling, blocking true intimacy, connection and a sense of being seen and known from the experience of the other. Individuals with personality disorders often are less aware than others of the destructiveness and toxicity of their behaviors. In fact, the continued negative feedback of others is the "push" that gets these folks into the therapy room. And while some clinical perspectives suggest personality disorders cannot be "cured", many professionals consider these clients to be some of the most damaged, traumatized people in society, and worthy of treatment to help them -- and those around them -- learn how to blunt the negative impact of their harmful behaviors and learn more appropriate ways to communicate, connect and manage intense emotion. The adage "hurt people hurt people" applies to narcissistic individuals. If you are in relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, consider pursuing counseling of your own. Learning how to set boundaries, attend to and care for your own feelings and needs, and resist taking on the other's emotional baggage as your own are vital skills for your own sense of self and internal balance. With intensive work and a skilled, committed therapist, clients with narcissistic personalities can learn how to share the stage of life, and leave room for others in the spotlight. 

"Good Enough" is Good Enough

Most of us know that the quest for perfection is futile. Try as we might, we know we will make mistakes. We will blunder and fail. We will fall short of a goal. But recognizing that we cannot be perfect doesn't mean that we feel "good enough."

From Good to Great? 

Clients often share their feelings of not being "good enough". They talk about wanting to be better, to do better, to learn and grow and improve.  But rarely do I cross paths with someone who has "gotten there" -- who has made it to the elusive state of "good enough." It's as if we believe that growth and enrichment aren't valuable in their own rights--we must go beyond that to feel satisfied. What would happen if we looked at ourselves in the moment and allowed that we are "good enough" just as we are, right now. We don't have to strive to do more or stretch farther. In this moment, who we are and what we do can be good enough. Rather than looking into the future to a time when we will be better parents, partners, workers or friends, we can accept that we already are. Somehow, we fool ourselves into believing that only through striving and effort can we earn our place at the table, and that, unless we are straining forward, we are not doing enough. We set ourselves up to believe that being acceptable is always out of our grasp. I suggest we break the mirror that reflects distorted visions of who we must be. Embrace who you are right now. Enjoy the freedom of release from the idea that anything about you could still be wanting. Regard yourself as you do those you cherish. Our loved ones don't have to "be more" to earn our adoration and respect. Nor do we. We are enough. We are good enough. Already. 

Aging Parents and Adult Children: The Challenge of Changing Roles

Human beings today are living longer than ever before. Some experts say that people will soon be living healthily well into their hundreds. But the needs of aging parents can be a source of stress, guilt and resentment for adult children in our hurried modern society. Counseling can be a space to help clients find the best path forward for their parents and their own families.

The Perils of Parenting Our Parents

Generations ago, multiple generations of family lived together, relying on each other to accomplish the daily tasks needed to keep the household running, and to increase the survival rates of all family members. Cultural norms dictated that adult children care for their elder members, and almost all families followed that same expectation. In the past, however, growing old and infirm was unlikely, due to rampant disease and poor health care. Now, most of us can expect to know our grandparents, even our great-grandparents, as the aging population increases. But unlike periods where communal living was the norm, and all family members were exposed to each other's bodies and functions on a regular basis, families today have different norms and expectations for boundaries and privacy. Older folks in their 70s and 80s regularly live independent lives, marked by autonomy and control of their decision making. Many adult children would feel awkward or disrespectful tending to their parents' physical needs, and many elderly would feel minimized or dismissed to have their choices dictated by their offspring. Today's family hierarchies typically clearly delineate the roles and rules surrounding the domains of parents and of their children, regardless of their age. Counseling can be a space where clients can examine their values, explore the options for their parents' care, and process the myriad feelings of grief, loss, fear, anger and resentment that often crowd the experience of a family as it ages. The therapy process helps each family come to terms with what works for them, and facilitates open and honest communication of all members's needs. Working together with a therapist skilled in family development over the lifespan, adult children and their parents can create a path forward that ensures parents age with dignity and respectful care, and adult children can feel confident they are honoring both themselves and the generation that paved their way. 

The Ties That Bind

The mythology of family reads like a fairytale: loving parents who don't yell or scold; strong sibling bonds that are forged from mutual respect and a desire to protect one another; communication that's fluid; boundaries that are flexible but still strong enough to shelter. The images of family our culture promotes highlight the ideals we all wish for and, indeed, deserve. But many families fall short of these picture-perfect scenarios, some, unfortunately, to dangerous degrees.

When to Sever the Ties 

Most therapists would agree that family relationships can be an integral part of our support network. Family members, we hope, champion us when we are low and celebrate us at our heights. Rarely do we recommend ex-communicating family members, advocating instead for clients to attempt to open communication, assert their needs respectfully and engage in conflict resolution to attain an equanimous end. But sometimes, clients find that an intimate relationship is destructive or toxic, no matter what efforts are made to change it. Whether due to the presence of violence, substance abuse or emotional manipulation, clients may decide that their very survival requires distancing themselves from people they still love. This decision is intensely personal and individual to each client; and almost always grueling to enact. It can, however, be an act of self-love and self-respect. The bonds that connect us should feel embracing and nurturing. When they become chains of fear or distress, or ligatures that constrict our growth, we may have to choose ourselves over the dreams of a family that is not to be. 

The Child Inside

The concept of the "inner child" has been a near-constant focus of therapy since the 1970s . From psychiatrist Charles Whitfield to new age practitioner Louis Hay, helping professionals have advocated clients accessing their "inner child" to understand unresolved childhood wounds and to facilitate healing, growth and insight.

Learning to "Self-Parent"

We all have unmet needs, long-held disappointments, grief that's been stuffed down or unexpressed. Rarely are the "fits" between parent and child so perfectly matched as to avoid hurts, assumptions or misunderstandings, especially during the early years of life. We may long for the unconditional love we were unable to feel from our caretakers, or for the praise or recognition that may have been inconsistent. The beauty of acknowledging and understanding the needs and hurts of our youngest "parts" is that we no longer need to rely on others to provide us what we lack. With the guidance of a skilled therapist or spiritual counselor, we can learn how to identify and validate the pain we still carry from decades-ago events. We can develop the skills to tend to our hurts, to respond to our needs with compassion and nurturance. We can rewrite the negative scripts programmed unconsciously in our childhoods to include a more balanced, affirming and forgiving sense of self. We are no longer reliant on others to assure us of our value. We can be our own "inner child's" good-enough parent, encouraging, loving and cheering ourselves on to a more healed and resilient self. 

Overeaters Anonymous--Providing Nourishment for Recovery

Addiction and the desire for recovery are common reasons people seek out counseling and twelve-step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Due to public education, more laypeople and professionals are gaining understanding about the similarities between alcohol and drug abuse and process addictions like sex, gambling and workaholism. Some substances can be avoided completely--like alcohol or drugs--but one addiction involves a necessity to our existence that we cannot live without--FOOD.

Finding a Food Balance 

One accessible and effective tool for people with an unhealthy relationship with food is Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Despite its name, the twelve-step program of OA is applicable to individuals with a variety of eating difficulties, from anorexia and bulimia, to binge-eating and overeating. Similar to AA and NA, OA utilizes support group meetings, peer sponsorship and OA-approved and -produced literature to help participants learn how to manage their addiction behaviors around food, and to provide an understanding and empathic environment for people to begin their individual recovery plans. While some twelve-step programs approach abstinence with an universal agreement of its definition, OA is unique in its approach of supporting each individual in customizing her commitment to abstinence based on one's type of eating disorder, medical diagnosis or personal dietary needs. If you think you may have a disordered or disruptive relationship with food, or are concerned with how much food occupies your mind and daily tasks of living, consider consulting with a clinician who specializes in eating-related treatment, or seek out an OA meeting in your area. Food is a requirement for life, but it need not be a source of pain, anxiety or anguish.