The Ties That Bind

The mythology of family reads like a fairytale: loving parents who don't yell or scold; strong sibling bonds that are forged from mutual respect and a desire to protect one another; communication that's fluid; boundaries that are flexible but still strong enough to shelter. The images of family our culture promotes highlight the ideals we all wish for and, indeed, deserve. But many families fall short of these picture-perfect scenarios, some, unfortunately, to dangerous degrees.

When to Sever the Ties 

Most therapists would agree that family relationships can be an integral part of our support network. Family members, we hope, champion us when we are low and celebrate us at our heights. Rarely do we recommend ex-communicating family members, advocating instead for clients to attempt to open communication, assert their needs respectfully and engage in conflict resolution to attain an equanimous end. But sometimes, clients find that an intimate relationship is destructive or toxic, no matter what efforts are made to change it. Whether due to the presence of violence, substance abuse or emotional manipulation, clients may decide that their very survival requires distancing themselves from people they still love. This decision is intensely personal and individual to each client; and almost always grueling to enact. It can, however, be an act of self-love and self-respect. The bonds that connect us should feel embracing and nurturing. When they become chains of fear or distress, or ligatures that constrict our growth, we may have to choose ourselves over the dreams of a family that is not to be. 

The Child Inside

The concept of the "inner child" has been a near-constant focus of therapy since the 1970s . From psychiatrist Charles Whitfield to new age practitioner Louis Hay, helping professionals have advocated clients accessing their "inner child" to understand unresolved childhood wounds and to facilitate healing, growth and insight.

Learning to "Self-Parent"

We all have unmet needs, long-held disappointments, grief that's been stuffed down or unexpressed. Rarely are the "fits" between parent and child so perfectly matched as to avoid hurts, assumptions or misunderstandings, especially during the early years of life. We may long for the unconditional love we were unable to feel from our caretakers, or for the praise or recognition that may have been inconsistent. The beauty of acknowledging and understanding the needs and hurts of our youngest "parts" is that we no longer need to rely on others to provide us what we lack. With the guidance of a skilled therapist or spiritual counselor, we can learn how to identify and validate the pain we still carry from decades-ago events. We can develop the skills to tend to our hurts, to respond to our needs with compassion and nurturance. We can rewrite the negative scripts programmed unconsciously in our childhoods to include a more balanced, affirming and forgiving sense of self. We are no longer reliant on others to assure us of our value. We can be our own "inner child's" good-enough parent, encouraging, loving and cheering ourselves on to a more healed and resilient self. 

Overeaters Anonymous--Providing Nourishment for Recovery

Addiction and the desire for recovery are common reasons people seek out counseling and twelve-step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Due to public education, more laypeople and professionals are gaining understanding about the similarities between alcohol and drug abuse and process addictions like sex, gambling and workaholism. Some substances can be avoided completely--like alcohol or drugs--but one addiction involves a necessity to our existence that we cannot live without--FOOD.

Finding a Food Balance 

One accessible and effective tool for people with an unhealthy relationship with food is Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Despite its name, the twelve-step program of OA is applicable to individuals with a variety of eating difficulties, from anorexia and bulimia, to binge-eating and overeating. Similar to AA and NA, OA utilizes support group meetings, peer sponsorship and OA-approved and -produced literature to help participants learn how to manage their addiction behaviors around food, and to provide an understanding and empathic environment for people to begin their individual recovery plans. While some twelve-step programs approach abstinence with an universal agreement of its definition, OA is unique in its approach of supporting each individual in customizing her commitment to abstinence based on one's type of eating disorder, medical diagnosis or personal dietary needs. If you think you may have a disordered or disruptive relationship with food, or are concerned with how much food occupies your mind and daily tasks of living, consider consulting with a clinician who specializes in eating-related treatment, or seek out an OA meeting in your area. Food is a requirement for life, but it need not be a source of pain, anxiety or anguish. 

The Reward of Authenticity

One of the scariest risks we take is the choice to be authentic. Being real with others requires us to be vulnerable -- if we are rejected or misunderstood, we can't blame others' reactions on the mask we are wearing. We feel the pain more deeply when our truth is maligned, our dreams dismissed. But intimacy is only possible when we offer up our authentic selves.

The Real Deal

Sharing our real feelings, our fears and fantasies, our secrets and failures, requires courage and resilience. When we let someone in to see our authentic self, we are demonstrating deep respect for the other. We are saying "You are important enough for me to risk showing you the 'real me.'" Being authentic is a priceless gift, and the only way we can truly feel accepted is when we know it's really us that our partner is embracing. If we present anything less than our genuine selves, we can never be sure that the affection or respect we receive is ours to keep. We question the strength of a connection that could be based on who we WANT to be, rather than who we truly are. Security comes from a sense of safety, and safety is elusive without the foundation of Realness. 

The Web of Life

The hiking paths in Red Rock Canyon provide breathtaking views of red mountain ranges, limestone formations that have existed since the time of dinosaurs, and occasional sightings of wildlife--from thumb-sized geckos to stubby burros and majestic wild horses. The landscape is dotted with cactus, mesquite, patches of wild, deep green grasses. Making our way across the rocky trails was a reminder of how we -- like nature -- rely on our environment for sustenance and support. When drought hits, animals can count on the lifesaving liquid inside the cacti to tide them over until the rains come. Shallow, dry river beds are dotted with stones and boulders that artfully contain rainfall and direct it to parched areas that need it most. Like the interconnectedness of desert animal to its landscape, we humans are as much a part of each other's survival. The mountain caves offer cool respite on scorching summer days, as we can provide a safe embrace for those who are overcome by life stressors. As the sun-heated rocks support nimble lizards with a natural "warming station," our words of comfort and encouragement can help others access their courage to take risks to move toward better circumstances. Like the river beds protect the water supply, we can guard each other's dreams and provide emotional sustenance. We are part of a system that grows and thrives optimally when we allow  our individual gifts to be "used" by one another to move us all forward.

The Expert Within

Our family has slated tours of several colleges onto our spring calendar, and my son is logging hours in an after-school class to prepare for the ACT test. We are about to embark on a journey dotted with questions, marked by difficult choices. Other parents, teachers, and college advisors are stressing the importance of choosing the "right" school, suggesting that the college my son attends could mean the difference between almost-certain career success, and having to claw his way into his field from a one-down position. When I was college-shopping myself 25 years ago, my most important criteria were location, affordability and frankly, whoever would accept me. Now, the competition for admission appears fierce, and the pressure to choose "wisely" is so intense, that we almost lost sight of the one constant that trumps all others-- trusting ourselves.

The Truth Is IN There

Our family has weighed the opinions and wisdom of the experts, and we have invested our energy in educating ourselves about our son's college options. But, as in any decision, I've reminded my son that HE knows himself better than anyone else. HE knows his passions, his priorities, his needs and wants. What might be the "optimal" college for networking with top players in his dream field may not offer him the social justice opportunities or the spiritual sustenance that he values as highly. The "renowned" faculty may not be able to provide him with the personal, mentoring relationships that help him most to thrive. While my son has talent and ambition for his art, he also prioritizes giving back to his community. I've reminded myself, and my son, that HIS "right" choice will reveal itself if he just pays attention and listens--not to the "experts", but to the truth within himself. 

The Practice of Gratitude

Cognitive behavioral interventions are some of the most common, and most effective, tools we use to teach clients to manage their depressive symptoms. Addressing mistaken beliefs, meditation and deep breathing exercises, and replacing negative scripts help clients to feel more hopeful, gain perspective and  a sense of control and competency. But one of the most powerful practices I've ever recommended is also deceptively simple: a gratitude journal.

Counting Your Blessings 

My first introduction to the concept of a gratitude list was in Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, Simple Abundance. She suggests recording three to five events or moments each day to "retrain" ourselves to see the grace and beauty in everyday life. News of tragedies, natural disasters, crimes and catastrophic illness flood our awareness through television, newspapers, social media outlets. We can easily become accustomed to expecting the worst, or even numbing to the pain we see around us. But taking a few moments at the end of each day to record positive moments can help lift the veil of pessimism. I suggest clients notice their  "unremarkable" good fortune--finding the closest parking spot during a rainstorm, the gurgling baby ahead in the grocery line, the smell of fresh laundry, the feel of a new pair of socks. By focusing on the spots of sunlight in the everyday, we realize that gratitude is a daily choice, that our blessings surround us in boundless ways. We would all be overjoyed to win the lottery or survive a car accident. But the smallest moments are constant opportunities to notice, to appreciate, to be reminded of just how lucky we really are.