"I (Don't) Want to Be Alone"

Alone time can be delightful -- an opportunity to replenish our psychological and spiritual stores, to putter and play mindlessly, to reconnect with our inner selves. But being alone is not the same experience as being isolated. Isolation is a destructive occurrence that crushes hope and fuels disconnection.

Alone in the Dark 

Researchers Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver have written, '"We believe that the most destructive and terrifying feeling...is psychological isolation...It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.'" (quoted from Brown, 2007). Some experts theorize that isolation is the largest psychological threat humans face. As a species, we need each other. We yearn to be known, to have our stories heard, and to feel valued. Isolation can take physical forms: we begin a new job and no one at our workplace has reached out to us yet. Or it can be an emotional affront: we risk being vulnerable with someone, and our feelings are dismissed or negated. Isolation can result in feelings of depression, physical illness, hopelessness and despair. As easily as we can "connect" with others thanks to technological advances, many people report feeling more cut off and lonely than ever before. Like most complex problems, isolation cannot be cured by simple means. But demonstrating empathy for others is a potent beginning to curbing this deep sense of aloneness. Listening to others with the goal of communicating an understanding of their experiences, of validating that you share what they feel or need, is a powerful tool of connection. Being "heard" communicates an acknowledgement of the other, a sharing of their truth. Connection is restorative. It builds hope and resilience. Listening and providing empathy are two gifts we can offer to affirm that, indeed, we are all in this together. 

Turn, Turn, Turn

Summer is a time of beginnings. Birds are re-building their nest in the maple tree out back. My son is planning activities with friends to make this the "best summer ever." We can venture to the farmers market again each weekend in our small downtown. My peony bush is bursting with magenta blooms. But endings accompany all beginnings. I've packed away my winter sweaters and drained the snowblower. The end of the school year means some friends will depart for colleges near and far. For children, structured schedules fall away to wide-open days of lazing in the yard, long bike rides and water balloon fights. The longer days and higher temperatures invite us all to consider ending or beginning a new chapter for ourselves.

To End is to Begin

What project or hobby have you been putting off? Do you want to decorate your porch with a container garden? Maybe try your hand at knitting, or woodworking? The joy you found in crayons and coloring books as a youngster might encourage you to sign up for a pastels class. Caring for yourself can create the perfect summer "to-do" list. Commit to walking each evening, even just around the block, to enjoy the extra hours of daylight and sumptuous summer smells of barbecues, blooming gardens, fresh cut grass. Enjoy healthy treats like cold slices of watermelon and tart Bing cherries. Take your dog to the park and replenish both your spirits with a vigorous roll in the grass. Or maybe you'd prefer to bid adieu to a bad habit. Banishing self-criticism or negative thinking are "endings" worth the effort. Putting an end to a toxic relationship could free you to the beginning of more fulfilling connections. Shedding old beliefs of limitation or lack provides us with an outlook of possibility.  Whatever your choice, embrace action with the fervor we enjoy these sunny days. Make a conscious choice to a beginning - or an ending -- that brings you freedom, joy and peace.

Dear Diary

Journaling is a common tool used to help clients make progress in therapy. Even if the idea of writing makes you cringe with memories of ninth grade English compositions, consider how chronicling your thoughts, feelings and memories can provide you with multiple benefits. 

Write It Out 

Journaling can be used to facilitate different kinds of growth, including:

1. Insight. Recording memories, our emotions, fears or desires, can provide us with a platform to look at patterns in our lives and understand what may be driving us to feel or behave in a certain way. Many people report re-reading their journals and discovering new areas to explore in therapy.

2. Catharsis. Pouring out our anger, resentment, or disappointments onto the page can create a feeling of lightness, allowing us to let go of old pain and move forward.

3. Documentation. For some clients, recording details of traumatic events is a way to bring validity to their experience. Trauma survivors can feel empowered by naming their experiences and recording their truth.

4. Goal-setting. Some clients benefit from creating a template for their goals. Writing down the steps they need to take increases their chances of success and provides accountability.

Journaling doesn't have to be a permanent record. Some clients discover a sense of transformation through burning their writing soon after they've finished. The act of burning or tearing up our written words can offer clients a sense of relief, or of moving beyond the material they transcribed. Remember, journaling isn't about following rules of grammar, spelling or composition. It's a process of discovery and development. The best part? All you need is a pencil and paper to get started. Go on -- write it down. 

The Family Triangle

When families encounter difficulties in communication, therapy can be helpful in providing skills and education to help members avoid further misunderstandings and negative dynamics. Sometimes, clients can benefit from learning to use "I-statements" to diffuse defensiveness, or reflective listening to ensure the correct message is being received from the sender. But other patterns of family interactions can create deep wounds and mistrust that can take intense work to remediate.

Three Sides, All Unequal 

Triangulation occurs when one family member avoids direct communication with another family member about his/her behavior, choosing instead to communicate with a third member about their concerns. For example, a mother may share her fear and frustration about her husband's alcoholism with her child, creating a peer-like relationship that requires more from the child than he reasonably can provide. In addition, the mother's sharing can create fear and anxiety in the child, or the child may feel responsible for "fixing" the situation. Triangulation causes a warp in communication, similar to the childhood game of "telephone," creating misinformation, distrust and confusion. Roles of parent, child and sibling can be upended, and emotional safety between family members suffers. Because triangulation can feel "rewarding" by providing some members with an inflated sense of power, or others with an "out" for confronting another, this dynamic often becomes entrenched. Counseling allows families to learn the real costs of these patterns, and how to approach one another with respect and honesty. We know that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Families learn that communicating directly with one another can bridge the distance between members, facilitating real intimacy and avoiding the woundedness and distress created by triangulation. 

Vanity, Thy Name is Narcissus

We've all known the type: the egotistical, self-centered lout who consistently trounces over the needs of others in his drive to be noticed and applauded. The abrasive scene-stealer who truly believes she is better than her peers, regardless of their characters or achievements. Or the insensitive, dismissive diva who can't put herself in another's shoes. Perhaps now more than ever, whether the results of entitlement or attachment issues first budding in infancy, narcissists seem to abound in our society.

"It's All About ME!"

Narcissism can run the gamut between a slightly overgrown sense of self (a character trait) to a pathological grouping of negative behaviors and attitudes that leaves pain and destruction in its path (a full-blown Narcissitic Personality Disorder). Now before you go "diagnosing" yourself as a narcissist because you stole your sister's dolly when you were 6, or because you chose to treat yourself to a massage rather than attend Aunt Velda's birthday party, remember that while everyone has moments of selfishness, rarely do we exhibit the consistent, extreme egotism and diminishment of others' realities that mark a true narcissistic person. Narcissists have a grandiose self-image, craving admiration and adulation from those around them. They have difficulty distinguishing themselves from outside objects, assuming that their feelings or perceptions hold true for everyone. Perhaps most troubling, narcissists lack empathy -- they cannot feel what others are feeling, blocking true intimacy, connection and a sense of being seen and known from the experience of the other. Individuals with personality disorders often are less aware than others of the destructiveness and toxicity of their behaviors. In fact, the continued negative feedback of others is the "push" that gets these folks into the therapy room. And while some clinical perspectives suggest personality disorders cannot be "cured", many professionals consider these clients to be some of the most damaged, traumatized people in society, and worthy of treatment to help them -- and those around them -- learn how to blunt the negative impact of their harmful behaviors and learn more appropriate ways to communicate, connect and manage intense emotion. The adage "hurt people hurt people" applies to narcissistic individuals. If you are in relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, consider pursuing counseling of your own. Learning how to set boundaries, attend to and care for your own feelings and needs, and resist taking on the other's emotional baggage as your own are vital skills for your own sense of self and internal balance. With intensive work and a skilled, committed therapist, clients with narcissistic personalities can learn how to share the stage of life, and leave room for others in the spotlight. 

"Good Enough" is Good Enough

Most of us know that the quest for perfection is futile. Try as we might, we know we will make mistakes. We will blunder and fail. We will fall short of a goal. But recognizing that we cannot be perfect doesn't mean that we feel "good enough."

From Good to Great? 

Clients often share their feelings of not being "good enough". They talk about wanting to be better, to do better, to learn and grow and improve.  But rarely do I cross paths with someone who has "gotten there" -- who has made it to the elusive state of "good enough." It's as if we believe that growth and enrichment aren't valuable in their own rights--we must go beyond that to feel satisfied. What would happen if we looked at ourselves in the moment and allowed that we are "good enough" just as we are, right now. We don't have to strive to do more or stretch farther. In this moment, who we are and what we do can be good enough. Rather than looking into the future to a time when we will be better parents, partners, workers or friends, we can accept that we already are. Somehow, we fool ourselves into believing that only through striving and effort can we earn our place at the table, and that, unless we are straining forward, we are not doing enough. We set ourselves up to believe that being acceptable is always out of our grasp. I suggest we break the mirror that reflects distorted visions of who we must be. Embrace who you are right now. Enjoy the freedom of release from the idea that anything about you could still be wanting. Regard yourself as you do those you cherish. Our loved ones don't have to "be more" to earn our adoration and respect. Nor do we. We are enough. We are good enough. Already. 

Aging Parents and Adult Children: The Challenge of Changing Roles

Human beings today are living longer than ever before. Some experts say that people will soon be living healthily well into their hundreds. But the needs of aging parents can be a source of stress, guilt and resentment for adult children in our hurried modern society. Counseling can be a space to help clients find the best path forward for their parents and their own families.

The Perils of Parenting Our Parents

Generations ago, multiple generations of family lived together, relying on each other to accomplish the daily tasks needed to keep the household running, and to increase the survival rates of all family members. Cultural norms dictated that adult children care for their elder members, and almost all families followed that same expectation. In the past, however, growing old and infirm was unlikely, due to rampant disease and poor health care. Now, most of us can expect to know our grandparents, even our great-grandparents, as the aging population increases. But unlike periods where communal living was the norm, and all family members were exposed to each other's bodies and functions on a regular basis, families today have different norms and expectations for boundaries and privacy. Older folks in their 70s and 80s regularly live independent lives, marked by autonomy and control of their decision making. Many adult children would feel awkward or disrespectful tending to their parents' physical needs, and many elderly would feel minimized or dismissed to have their choices dictated by their offspring. Today's family hierarchies typically clearly delineate the roles and rules surrounding the domains of parents and of their children, regardless of their age. Counseling can be a space where clients can examine their values, explore the options for their parents' care, and process the myriad feelings of grief, loss, fear, anger and resentment that often crowd the experience of a family as it ages. The therapy process helps each family come to terms with what works for them, and facilitates open and honest communication of all members's needs. Working together with a therapist skilled in family development over the lifespan, adult children and their parents can create a path forward that ensures parents age with dignity and respectful care, and adult children can feel confident they are honoring both themselves and the generation that paved their way.