Parental Guiding Suggested

Wiping runny noses. Driving carpool. Answering the same question 12 times. Scheduling doctors' appointments. As parents, we expect and accept that these tasks are everyday obligations in our roles as caretakers. As the American population ages, however, many adults find themselves in the role of caretaker for their parents as well, with sometimes ambivalent feelings  about the tasks involved in this balancing challenge.

PARENTING OUR PARENTS

Different cultures approach aging, and caring for the aged, with varied perspectives. While some families believe that caring for aging parents is always the responsibility of family members (usually the adult children), others feel that older folks receive the best, most informed care from trained providers, whether in-home care or professionally-staffed facility. No single approach works for all families, nor for the needs of each aging member.  If you are exploring the best care options for your aging parent, consider the following points:

1. Call your township. Most areas have a senior services department, which can help schedule Meals  on Wheels and volunteer visits, offer financial or transportation assistance and suggest area resources to help you and your parent.

2. Establish a "treatment team." With your parent's doctor as the center point,  develop

a circle of providers to help manage your parent's needs. Consider a counselor, home health staff, nutritionist, physical therapist, attorney and accountant who specialize in older clients--whoever can best advise you and your parent and sustain his independent functioning for as long as possible.

3. Research options sooner, rather than later. Aging people's health status can change quickly. Start looking into different levels of care, including assisted living, independent living and nursing home facilities, so you and your parent are not caught off guard if the need arises.

4. Join a support group. Just as your parent can benefit from time with his peers at the senior center, caregivers can get replenished, educated and understood by peers experiencing the same developmental milestones. Check with local hospitals, senior centers, and your parent's physician for referrals to area support groups for adults caring for aging parents. 

5. Keep communicating. The changes and limitations that come with aging can be challenging to accept--for both parent and adult child. Talk regularly about your feelings about your parent's functioning, your fears and concerns for them and your opinions about their care options. Encourage your parent to share her feelings with you. When we love someone, we sometimes "hide" truths from them that we fear may be upsetting. In reality, the "known" is much easier to cope with than the "unknown." Whereas we are unable to craft a response to the unknown, with the known, we are empowered to act and choose. 

Better Safe than Sorry?

Our family has just begun navigating the college exploration process. My son is actively researching various schools for programs heavy in the arts -- film, screenwriting, directing. We, as parents committed to bankrolling (at least in part) his higher education, are studying our income flow and funds management to see how to make his dream work without crippling our family's future. From day one, I've voiced unequivocal support for my son's pursuit of his dreams. Whether it was Broadway or Wall Street, I let him know that I'd be behind him no matter what. Now, however, I find myself examining my parenting values with a more critical eye.

QUESTIONING THE VALUE OF VALUES 
It was easy to champion singing lessons, acting class and play auditions when my required investment included chauffeuring, soliciting for ads for the play program and donating old clothes for use as costumes. I find myself questioning whether a degree in filmmaking or screenwriting is my son's wisest educational course. Should I suggest accounting? Health care? Some profession in high demand, that risks less personal rejection than the arts? Or do I live my long-stated values that life is too short not to go after your dreams, that taking risks is a valiant and worthy endeavor? That a steady paycheck in an unfulfilling career may not cushion him from regret? Do I truly believe that creative expression and fulfillment is worth the possibility that my son may have to work several jobs while he tries to craft his masterpiece? I wrestle with what is "best", what is "sure", what is "reasonable." And then I remember the joy in his voice when he first discovered show tunes, the pride in his face when he "screened" his first film. I remind myself of the parenting truth I value above all others: to love him as he takes flight -- not to guide his direction or his landing.

Individual + Couple's Therapy=Success

Couples in joint counseling are sometimes surprised when I recommend that one -- or both -- members also initiate individual counseling with their own therapists. Some people worry that spending time in solo sessions will create further distance in the relationship, providing a space for secrets or avoidance of tough couples' issues. Occasionally, I hear clients say that they feel my recommendation is code for "There's something wrong with you. Go get fixed in individual therapy before you can expect your marriage to work. " In reality, individual therapy is an effective adjunct to couple's work, and is a common suggestion made by therapists treating marital discord.

I'M OK. YOU'RE OK. NOW  WE CAN BE OK. 

As I get to know each member of a couple in joint therapy, I may notice individual issues that may be affecting or impeding their progress. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and  family of origin issues can muddy the dynamic between lovers. Often, the individual struggling with these issues can use individual sessions to become aware of and heal these components, allowing couple's work to move along in a more timely fashion. In addition, participants may not be yet ready for the vulnerability and transparency required for effective couple's work. Having an individual therapist allows each person a safe stage to vent, complain, and explore fear, anger and disappointment, until he or she is able to voice these experiences in ways that help bring the couple greater awareness and intimacy, instead of further damage. Finally, couple's work is multilayered, complex and intense. Truly, three clients are in the room: each member of the couple, and the relationship itself. Having a "team" of professionals to offer feedback and provide varied perspectives and interventions helps ensure the most comprehensive view of how to help a couple create a relationship of resiliency, trust and fulfillment.

Stressed? It Could Be...Eustress

We expect the symptoms of distress when we are under pressure, anticipating a negative event or feeling burdened with excessive expectations. But we can also experience anxiety, muscle tension, headaches, irritability, fitful sleep -- as well as a slew of other stress reactions -- as a result of Eustress, which is defined as positive life events that bring with them an increase in stress. Weddings, a long-awaited pregnancy, holidays -- these experiences can create an increase in the release of cortisol, a stress hormone, as surely as more negative life events like loss or trauma.  Turns out our bodies don't necessarily know the difference between anticipatory anxiety and dread. We may find ourselves suffering from a migraine the night of  our engagement party, or experiencing anxiety and sleepless nights after receiving a long-deserved promotion. It's not that we don't appreciate our good tidings; we are simply wired to react with similar somatic responses to sometimes widely disparate occurrences. When you become aware of a celebration looming on your calendar, take stock of your body's wisdom. Try getting some extra sleep the days before the event. Maintain a high water intake, and try to keep your exercise commitment to burn off some of the stress hormones and muscle tension. Incorporate stretching exercises into your daily routine, and jot notes of all the highlights your are anticipating to free up some brain space. We all deserve to revel in the achievements and high points that make life memorable. By focusing on a little preventive self-maintenance, we can minimize our stress and be poised to be fully present to all the revelry that's coming our way. 

Recovery Begins with "C"

Many people think recovery from addiction begins with a stint in rehab. Or that recovery commences when the addict hits "rock bottom." Or even that abstinence from one's drug of choice is the key to recovering a healthy life. But many "12-Steppers" (members of 12-step support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.) will attest that true recovery comes from being part of a healthy COMMUNITY.

THE HEALING BENEFITS OF COMMUNITY

Choosing sobriety is the first "entrance pass" into recovery, but most recovering addicts maintain that it's the work done within, and for, one's sober community that bolsters recovery and provides a firm foundation from which the addict can move forward confidently into a healthier way of being in the world.

The community of a 12-step group provides:

1. Accountability.   Surrounding ourselves with people with the same challenges provides a mirroring process, allowing our cohort to hold us accountable for doing "the next right thing" and to encourage us to stay honest and humble.
2. Healthy socializing. Try as they might, addicts cannot continue to hang out with friends who use and still maintain sobriety. A sober community offers opportunities to connect with others with similar values, at events void of drugs and alcohol.
3. Service. A key component to recovery is giving back to one's community. Whether that means making coffee before a meeting, taking a phone call from a struggling friend, or driving a fellow group member to an event, serving others is a consistent reminder that the world isn't "all about us." We discover that being a part of a community, having others rely on us, builds self-esteem and fights isolation.
4. Reinforcement from people who "get it." Addicts often feel unique and misunderstood. Surrounding ourselves with other addicts who understand the fears, shame and lost opportunities endemic to life in addiction is a solace most addicts deeply appreciate.
5. Reminders. Our sober community, through other addicts sharing their stories, provides unceasing  reminders of how easily we can fall back into bad habits, as well as offering a road map for how others have maintained success.
6. Spirituality. Some people's experiences of organized religion have created shame or guilt for the individual, which blocks true healing. A sober community offers a place to learn and practice one's own unique spirituality, in an environment of support and unconditional acceptance. 

Let It Go

Although my son is well past the Disney-age set, I have not been immune to the force of the cultural phenomenon of the Frozen movie, specifically it's omnipresent anthem "Let It Go." I wouldn't originally have considered Princesses Elsa and Anna to be Zen aficionados, but the message about learning to leave behind what no longer serves us is applicable to everyone. Buddhists consider "clinging" to be the root of all suffering--in essence, trying to hold on to things, people, behaviors, even thoughts, will lead to frustration, disappointment and pain. Letting go can be a challenge for the most resolute of souls. But with practice, we will discover that unclenching our fists from around whatever we are convinced we so dearly need  leads us to enlightenment, peace and freedom.

TIPS FOR RELEASING YOUR GRIP 

Not sure where to start? Try some of these techniques to practice letting go:

1. If you are troubled by shame from your past, negative thoughts about yourself or others, or long-carried anger, try writing it down. Put pen to paper and, in as much detail as possible, describe the thoughts, feelings or events you'd like to leave behind. Then rip up the paper into tiny pieces and throw them away. Or even better, burn the paper to ash, allowing the painful words to literally "go up in smoke."

2. Buddhist meditation practice may involve noticing our thoughts and learning to release them without judgement. Try picturing the person, event, feeling or thought that is troubling. Imagine "touching" them lightly, either physically or energetically, and allowing them to float away into the air, dissolving slowly into the ether.

3. Imagine standing at the edge of a pool of water. Cast your thoughts, pain or shame into the current, and watch the waves carry them away, engulfing them until they are a part of  the waves.

4. Imagine holding the thoughts or feelings in your clenched fists. Flex your hands and arms as if you need to hold on to those ideas for dear life. Then slowly open your fists, allowing the tension to drain from your hands and arms as the painful material leaves your possession. Feel the relief that comes with the release.

Letting go is not for the faint of heart, but neither do we need to have a crown and title to practice this essential action.  Even attempting to let go is a form of "un-clinging"-- an unclenching from fear and doubt as we try something new.

Mirror, Mirror

                                 

                                  
Maybe it's the realization that middle age has firmly and irrevocably arrived. Maybe it's the aches and pains I notice more now when I leave the gym or finish raking my yard. Maybe my son's penchant for analyzing his every body part, facial expression and hair follicle in any mirror he passes is a remjnder. Whatever the trigger, I'm aware more and more of how our perspectives on our bodies and their abilities is not a focus only of the young. While fashion magazines are criticized for their adoration of the "thigh gap", almost all human beings of every age and gender expression can fall prey to body self-loathing and body criticism. This pervasive and unhealthy habit can lead to self-doubt, a negative, distorted self-image and eventually, eating disorders. A few reminders to help keep you from falling into the negative body image trap follow:

1. Focus on what your body can DO, not what it looks like. Is your lap a favorite resting place for a toddler? Does your smile elicit a mirror grin from your beloved? Can your arms support and enfold a grieving friend? Can your legs withstand a neighborhood jaunt with your favorite furry companion? Our bodies are meant to move and feel, NOT to pose or preen.

2. Develop your own definition of health. Maybe your blood pressure is a bit high. You may need to add more fiber to your diet. You may want to develop the stamina to climb the five flights of stairs to your office without getting winded. Health is a personal standard that you can create, as are the steps to achieve it. Health is NOT a number on a scale or the size on a waistband.

3. A philosopher posited that our bodies reside INSIDE our spirits; that, in fact, the physical self is minute compared to the spiritual energy that surrounds it. This belief puts in perspective the relative power of our bodies compared to our spirits. In essence, our true energy cannot be contained in a body -- we are too immense for that!