Individual + Couple's Therapy=Success

Couples in joint counseling are sometimes surprised when I recommend that one -- or both -- members also initiate individual counseling with their own therapists. Some people worry that spending time in solo sessions will create further distance in the relationship, providing a space for secrets or avoidance of tough couples' issues. Occasionally, I hear clients say that they feel my recommendation is code for "There's something wrong with you. Go get fixed in individual therapy before you can expect your marriage to work. " In reality, individual therapy is an effective adjunct to couple's work, and is a common suggestion made by therapists treating marital discord.

I'M OK. YOU'RE OK. NOW  WE CAN BE OK. 

As I get to know each member of a couple in joint therapy, I may notice individual issues that may be affecting or impeding their progress. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and  family of origin issues can muddy the dynamic between lovers. Often, the individual struggling with these issues can use individual sessions to become aware of and heal these components, allowing couple's work to move along in a more timely fashion. In addition, participants may not be yet ready for the vulnerability and transparency required for effective couple's work. Having an individual therapist allows each person a safe stage to vent, complain, and explore fear, anger and disappointment, until he or she is able to voice these experiences in ways that help bring the couple greater awareness and intimacy, instead of further damage. Finally, couple's work is multilayered, complex and intense. Truly, three clients are in the room: each member of the couple, and the relationship itself. Having a "team" of professionals to offer feedback and provide varied perspectives and interventions helps ensure the most comprehensive view of how to help a couple create a relationship of resiliency, trust and fulfillment.

Stressed? It Could Be...Eustress

We expect the symptoms of distress when we are under pressure, anticipating a negative event or feeling burdened with excessive expectations. But we can also experience anxiety, muscle tension, headaches, irritability, fitful sleep -- as well as a slew of other stress reactions -- as a result of Eustress, which is defined as positive life events that bring with them an increase in stress. Weddings, a long-awaited pregnancy, holidays -- these experiences can create an increase in the release of cortisol, a stress hormone, as surely as more negative life events like loss or trauma.  Turns out our bodies don't necessarily know the difference between anticipatory anxiety and dread. We may find ourselves suffering from a migraine the night of  our engagement party, or experiencing anxiety and sleepless nights after receiving a long-deserved promotion. It's not that we don't appreciate our good tidings; we are simply wired to react with similar somatic responses to sometimes widely disparate occurrences. When you become aware of a celebration looming on your calendar, take stock of your body's wisdom. Try getting some extra sleep the days before the event. Maintain a high water intake, and try to keep your exercise commitment to burn off some of the stress hormones and muscle tension. Incorporate stretching exercises into your daily routine, and jot notes of all the highlights your are anticipating to free up some brain space. We all deserve to revel in the achievements and high points that make life memorable. By focusing on a little preventive self-maintenance, we can minimize our stress and be poised to be fully present to all the revelry that's coming our way. 

Recovery Begins with "C"

Many people think recovery from addiction begins with a stint in rehab. Or that recovery commences when the addict hits "rock bottom." Or even that abstinence from one's drug of choice is the key to recovering a healthy life. But many "12-Steppers" (members of 12-step support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.) will attest that true recovery comes from being part of a healthy COMMUNITY.

THE HEALING BENEFITS OF COMMUNITY

Choosing sobriety is the first "entrance pass" into recovery, but most recovering addicts maintain that it's the work done within, and for, one's sober community that bolsters recovery and provides a firm foundation from which the addict can move forward confidently into a healthier way of being in the world.

The community of a 12-step group provides:

1. Accountability.   Surrounding ourselves with people with the same challenges provides a mirroring process, allowing our cohort to hold us accountable for doing "the next right thing" and to encourage us to stay honest and humble.
2. Healthy socializing. Try as they might, addicts cannot continue to hang out with friends who use and still maintain sobriety. A sober community offers opportunities to connect with others with similar values, at events void of drugs and alcohol.
3. Service. A key component to recovery is giving back to one's community. Whether that means making coffee before a meeting, taking a phone call from a struggling friend, or driving a fellow group member to an event, serving others is a consistent reminder that the world isn't "all about us." We discover that being a part of a community, having others rely on us, builds self-esteem and fights isolation.
4. Reinforcement from people who "get it." Addicts often feel unique and misunderstood. Surrounding ourselves with other addicts who understand the fears, shame and lost opportunities endemic to life in addiction is a solace most addicts deeply appreciate.
5. Reminders. Our sober community, through other addicts sharing their stories, provides unceasing  reminders of how easily we can fall back into bad habits, as well as offering a road map for how others have maintained success.
6. Spirituality. Some people's experiences of organized religion have created shame or guilt for the individual, which blocks true healing. A sober community offers a place to learn and practice one's own unique spirituality, in an environment of support and unconditional acceptance. 

Let It Go

Although my son is well past the Disney-age set, I have not been immune to the force of the cultural phenomenon of the Frozen movie, specifically it's omnipresent anthem "Let It Go." I wouldn't originally have considered Princesses Elsa and Anna to be Zen aficionados, but the message about learning to leave behind what no longer serves us is applicable to everyone. Buddhists consider "clinging" to be the root of all suffering--in essence, trying to hold on to things, people, behaviors, even thoughts, will lead to frustration, disappointment and pain. Letting go can be a challenge for the most resolute of souls. But with practice, we will discover that unclenching our fists from around whatever we are convinced we so dearly need  leads us to enlightenment, peace and freedom.

TIPS FOR RELEASING YOUR GRIP 

Not sure where to start? Try some of these techniques to practice letting go:

1. If you are troubled by shame from your past, negative thoughts about yourself or others, or long-carried anger, try writing it down. Put pen to paper and, in as much detail as possible, describe the thoughts, feelings or events you'd like to leave behind. Then rip up the paper into tiny pieces and throw them away. Or even better, burn the paper to ash, allowing the painful words to literally "go up in smoke."

2. Buddhist meditation practice may involve noticing our thoughts and learning to release them without judgement. Try picturing the person, event, feeling or thought that is troubling. Imagine "touching" them lightly, either physically or energetically, and allowing them to float away into the air, dissolving slowly into the ether.

3. Imagine standing at the edge of a pool of water. Cast your thoughts, pain or shame into the current, and watch the waves carry them away, engulfing them until they are a part of  the waves.

4. Imagine holding the thoughts or feelings in your clenched fists. Flex your hands and arms as if you need to hold on to those ideas for dear life. Then slowly open your fists, allowing the tension to drain from your hands and arms as the painful material leaves your possession. Feel the relief that comes with the release.

Letting go is not for the faint of heart, but neither do we need to have a crown and title to practice this essential action.  Even attempting to let go is a form of "un-clinging"-- an unclenching from fear and doubt as we try something new.

Mirror, Mirror

                                 

                                  
Maybe it's the realization that middle age has firmly and irrevocably arrived. Maybe it's the aches and pains I notice more now when I leave the gym or finish raking my yard. Maybe my son's penchant for analyzing his every body part, facial expression and hair follicle in any mirror he passes is a remjnder. Whatever the trigger, I'm aware more and more of how our perspectives on our bodies and their abilities is not a focus only of the young. While fashion magazines are criticized for their adoration of the "thigh gap", almost all human beings of every age and gender expression can fall prey to body self-loathing and body criticism. This pervasive and unhealthy habit can lead to self-doubt, a negative, distorted self-image and eventually, eating disorders. A few reminders to help keep you from falling into the negative body image trap follow:

1. Focus on what your body can DO, not what it looks like. Is your lap a favorite resting place for a toddler? Does your smile elicit a mirror grin from your beloved? Can your arms support and enfold a grieving friend? Can your legs withstand a neighborhood jaunt with your favorite furry companion? Our bodies are meant to move and feel, NOT to pose or preen.

2. Develop your own definition of health. Maybe your blood pressure is a bit high. You may need to add more fiber to your diet. You may want to develop the stamina to climb the five flights of stairs to your office without getting winded. Health is a personal standard that you can create, as are the steps to achieve it. Health is NOT a number on a scale or the size on a waistband.

3. A philosopher posited that our bodies reside INSIDE our spirits; that, in fact, the physical self is minute compared to the spiritual energy that surrounds it. This belief puts in perspective the relative power of our bodies compared to our spirits. In essence, our true energy cannot be contained in a body -- we are too immense for that!

Baby, You Can Drive My Car (Maybe)

My left hand is killing me. No, it's not a flare up of carpal tunnel syndrome. I didn't punch a wall or accidentally slam my hand in the door jamb. My hand is aching from the hour-long DEATH GRIP I had on my car's parking brake. You see, I just finished with my son's third hour of supervised driving time since earning his driver's permit. (Only 47 more hours to go. That's 2,820 minutes I must survive inside a two-ton moving vehicle piloted by my offspring, God willing.)

I'm aware that millions of teens and their anxious parent have made it through this developmental milestone with nothing worse than a Maalox addiction. Millions more will have their turns after me. And while I recognize my experience white-knuckling the dashboard is more mundane than unique, I'm equally aware of how singularly each individual develops, acquires skills, assimilates information -- independent of those around him.

My son and his friends are learning, practicing life skills necessary for navigating their (suburban) world. Our culture, despite occasional public outcry to the contrary, has maintained for decades that adolescence is the appropriate time to learn how to operate a motor vehicle. Who am I to contest years of legal, scientific and anthropological data? Yet...I know my child. I know the pace at which he processes information, the way he thinks abut complex issues, his judgement skills. And, in this contained steel and glass "laboratory" headed down our neighborhood streets, I see the many ways my son's mind and body have yet to catch up with his chronological age. Before sitting behind the wheel, my son was "positive" he'd be a "great" driver. He was certain he'd ace his permit test. He predicted he'd be anxiety-free in rush hour traffic. Wrong. Wrong. And WRONG.

People grow in fits and starts, in sometimes unpredictable ways, and through sometimes surprising circumstances. I've learned a person can develop a deep and abiding faith in a higher power while not understanding how to make change for a dollar. I've seen how empathy for another's pain doesn't necessarily come accompanied by a grasp of the concept of natural consequences. I've heard my son belly laugh at cartoons only later to find him, weeping, as he read  "To Kill a Mockingbird." Some people display pseudo-maturity that is a byproduct of extreme intelligence or surviving trauma that can fool us into believing they comprehend realities that are truly beyond their grasps.

I can't predict how quickly or broadly my child will develop in his driving skills after the next 47 (PLUS!!) hours of practice. And I don't know if I'll decide to enforce a longer-term practice period than the law mandates. But I do know I've deepened my understanding of how mysteriously and uniquely we grow and change. There's no formula, no yardstick that fits us all. And that's ok.  a cookie-cutter world would be colorless and bland. I need to gauge my child -- and myself -- by standards that are clear-sighted and helpful to our movement forward. And maybe let my wife take over "drive time" now and then. My parking brake will thank me.

Independence Day

Holidays, days of remembrance, and anniversaries can all be springboards for a decision to change. Milestones often remind us of what we hold dear, as well as spotlight the finite time we have to create lives that reflect our truest selves. As yet another Fourth of July draws near, I reflect on the myriad freedoms we enjoy as a result of our nation's founders' foresight and wisdom. But other freedoms exist that we must create by CHOICE: freedom from fear; freedom from shame, guilt, obligation. Freedom from negative body image, from others' limited beliefs about us, from our own old, unproductive scripts. At this time of year, we embrace the celebrations that accompany Independence Day, from barbecues with friends and family, to fireworks displays, to the donning of red, white and blue garb. But we must remember that we have the opportunity EVERY DAY to leave behind messages, habits, even people that no longer serve us well. What freedom do you long for? How can you declare independence from the negative and move forward into all that is possible?

BOOKS THAT HELP: An oldie but a goodie, TRIUMPH OVER FEAR by Jerilyn Ross is both a memoir and a self-help book that details the author's debilitating struggle with--and recovery from--devastating anxiety disorders, as well as offers tools and techniques to help readers assess and manage their own anxiety responses.