Building Our Parenting Muscles

We all know them. We've all been haunted, at some point, by these evil entitities, these demons that cast doubt and shame into the life of every parent. That's right -- The Perfect Parent. You know, those parents who bake gluten-free, nut-free and yet delicious snacks for the school bake sale. Or who arrive at 10 pm play rehearsal pickup wearing freshly pressed chinos or flawless makeup. The mom who not only attends every one of her child's performances/games/speech competitions, but also heads the PTA and hand sews her children's Halloween costumes. I will never be the parent who purees my own baby food from organic produce, or creates homemade flash cards to ensure my child is reading fluently in two languages before he is potty trained. But my work with families over the last three decades has taught me that I don't need to be in order to be a good-enough parent to my child. I've not come across any data that suggests that stressing myself out to parent "perfectly" will somehow earn my child entrance to his Ivy League school of choice. Not to mention a recipe for failure. None of us are perfect, as parents or otherwise. But the good news is we don't need to be. In counseling, we teach parents that being a "good enough" parent provides our children with a healthy foundation to grow into functioning adults. "Good enough" parenting focuses on what kids really need: nurturing, challenging, safety and structure. Most of us are comfortable with our skills in a least a few of these areas. I, for one, am confident that my affection, love, and empathy for my child communicate my love for him. But my "muscles" in challenging my child can be woefully week. Really, does my 14-year-old need me to cut his nighttime snack of an apple? Or would encouraging my child, who struggles with fine motor tasks, to tackle this task be an opportunity for him to develop competency and self-esteem? The good news is that our awareness can be the beacon that directs us to focus on those parenting behaviors that need strengthening. Whether you need to remember to deliver more praise, or to enact a bedtime schedule that ensures your child gets adequate sleep, becoming a "good enough" parent is within the grasp of all of us. Reject the myth of the Perfect Parent. Go ahead and bring that store-bought cake to the Scouts' bake sale. Letting your 10-year-old count out the bills at the checkout is a lesson for you both.