Sunday, April 7, 2013

Positive transitions = Vulnerability

When we think about the developmental milestones that mark our lives--weddings, births, graduations, first jobs--we often think about the positive feelings, achievements and sense of empowerment we expect to accompany these tasks. But just as often, people experience an equal amount of vulnerability and emotional risks. I've had clients who are nearing the end of their college careers, and find themselves struggling with anxiety, fear, and depressive symptoms they believed were long in the past. Clients who change jobs to positions with more status, power or pay are confused by the sense of doubt and stress that accompany this change. And most of us know of the perils of post-partum depression, when new mothers may struggle with sadness, anxiety and a fear of not being up to the tasks of parenting. However, while new mothers are in the midst of tumultuous hormone changes that affect their mood and sense of efficacy, I've worked with men who experience similar challenges when they add children to their lives. The myths associated with these celebrated events are part of the problem. We feel ashamed, "broken" or wrong for having negative feelings alongside a joyous event. We feel confused and doubtful about our ability to navigate even positive life events with ease. Sometimes, we feel cheated by sadness, grief, anxiety or anger that prevents us from being present to joy. But all change brings stress, because it's a shifting of the status quo to a state that is a bit unknown. And even positive stress (eustress) taxes our emotional, mental and physical capacities. We would do better to expect a range of emotions to accompany exciting life changes, rather than assuming we will only feel happy, joyous or grateful. Being gentle and compassionate with ourselves during times of transition helps to lessen the strain and ensures we notice and attend to our feelings. When change is looming, we need to increase our self-care: get plenty of rest, healthy food and exercise, and stay hydrated. We might benefit from taking extraneous responsibilities off our plates. The next PTA meeting, Pinewood Derby or church rummage sale may have to run, this one tine, without us. And when we experience unpleasant emotions side by side with positive life events, we can try our best to be tender with those feelings, for they are there to teach us something. Perhaps the fear about a new job is a reflection of our perfectionistic streak as much as it is a fear of failure. That anxiety can clue us in to be conscious of our self-expectations, and to accept that, in some cases, doing "good enough" is better or healthier than doing "perfect" work. Sadness at leaving a beloved college campus and dear friends reflects the depth and meaning we've built into those relationships. Failing to acknowledge our full range of feelings can create unconscious self-sabotaging or worsening of symptoms. We respect ourselves most when we don't expect positive life milestones to come without some less-than-positive feelings. It's by embracing all our emotions that we reap the richness of all life offers us.

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