Tuesday, July 9, 2013

"Would You Rather Be Right--Or Happy?"

Am I the only one who would answer, "I'd rather be BOTH!" I'm pretty sure I'm in vast company. I've heard therapists, self-help books and TV talking heads suggest that, in relationships, we can choose to stick to our guns on a point of contention with our partner, or we can choose to accede to our partner's wishes and views and "be happy." But in my practice and in real life, I've found that many people find this choice excruciating. It's not the simple no-brainer it appears to be initially. People often feel intensely tied and loyal to their needs, viewpoints and desires; asking them to choose between strongly held positions and their longing for happiness can feel like a lose-lose proposition. I struggle with framing the choice as an "either-or": "If you choose to be right, you can't be happy. And vice versa." In actuality, what we are hoping for is our clients to see that winning an argument or proving their point can't preclude the satisfaction ("happiness") of knowing they are caring for the needs of the relationship FIRST, before their individual needs. I try to help clients understand that meeting the relationship's needs is DIFFERENT from "giving in." In this case, Jane isn't letting Joe "get his way." By focusing on what's best for the relationship, clients are taking their eyes off of what each partner WANTS--it's what the partnership NEEDS that matters. Sometimes, that's the same as what one partner wants. But often, the relationship is like a separate entity all together. I envision, and educate clients, that the marriage is the "third client" in the room: what it needs to thrive and grow must be addressed, or it will wither away. People caught in conflict, bent on winning the latest match in their relationship's Grand Slam tournament of arguments, can sometimes buy into doing the right thing for the benefit of the partnership. We don't think twice about making effective decisions about our children, even when we are angry at our spouse. We can look at relationship challenges the same way. After all, when the partnership wins, BOTH sides win, too. And really, is the fight about stopping for directions really about directions, anyway? Most conflicts are generated by deeper symbols and values than what two people are quibbling about on the surface. If we approach our conflicts with an eye on a resolution that aids the relationship, we may find ourselves getting to a place of peace with our partners more quickly and with fewer lasting wounds. That is, except for when my wife asks me, for the thousandth time, WHERE she put her car keys. If I could just get her to put her keys in the little dish on the counter, like I've told her...

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