Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Learning Curve

Physical challenges can lead to psychological discomfort and stress, and we can all benefit from learning new ways to cope with these stressors and improve our self-care. I've recently been learning these universal lessons myself. After struggling with symptoms that were vague and inconsistent for the last 6 months, I finally motivated myself to get some answers from my doctor. My doctor's response was "It could be lots of things", and thus my journey to multiple specialists and a myriad of tests began. The process of obtaining a diagnosis can be as taxing as physical symptoms themselves. With every inconclusive result and every head-scratching response from a doctor, my frustration grew. As did my self-doubt. "Are these symptoms (fatigue, lightheadedness, numbness in my hands and feet, lack of coordination) rally that serious? Could they be in my mind, or a side effect from medication, or even anxiety? Is finding an answer really worth taking all this time off work, managing this growing medical debt?" As a therapist, I'm forever touting the importance of self-care to my clients, and here I was, feeling unsure and undecided about the steps I was taking in my own life. I'm aware that pain, illness and disease can cost us just as dearly in the realm of our mental health. Stress, fear and anxiety about the future and our abilities, depression due to loss of functioning--all these realities must now be dealt with alongside the physical ailments. No wonder we sometimes (or for many people, USUALLY) disregard our physical pain and suffering: it's just too overwhelming to deal with. But I'm a big believer in lessons from the universe, and I think our physical selves are a ripe classroom for those teachings. Besides re-learning the importance of self-care, my recent forays into the world of MRIs, EKGs, EMGs and Holter monitors has humbled me to an even more basic issue: remembering my own value. Having the tools to adequately care for ourselves, and knowing which to use when, can only work if we first VALUE what our Selves are experiencing and feeling. It's so easy for me to push aside my physical discomfort, the twinges and aches, because I've bought into our culture's unspoken mandate to put others first, to "stop your bellyaching" and get done what needs to be done. Valuing myself was easiest, I found, when evereything else--and everyone else-- was taken care of. But when my self-care began to come at the cost of my responsibilities and the needs of people around me, I was sorely tested. But that, in my philosophy, is exactly how the Universe lays out it's challenges. We don't learn by pulling back to burrow in the comfort of what we know; we learn by stretching to embrace a reality that is just slightly beyond our comfort zone currently. I've felt, at times, selfish, histrionic and even attention-seeking as I've slogged through appointments and procedures and needle jabs. But the discomfort of these experiences has been part of my learning landscape. I can't just take care of myself, VALUE myself, when it's convenient for my job, my family, my dog. True self-care means valuing my Self when it's most difficult, when I think others will roll their eyes or dismiss my symptoms as simply the downhill roll of aging. And regardless of the diagnosis (or lack thereof) or the treatment plan signed off on by my team of doctors, the most useful "pill" I can take right now is to keep my Self and my needs at the center of my perspective. Because I believe if I don't, the Universe will provide yet another variation of this challenge. And dammit, the dog needs to be walked, and the kitchen needs to be cleaned, and my billing needs to get mailed...alas, it appears I am still on the learning curve.

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