A Dog's Life

We left the vet's office in a fog of disbelief. Hearing words like "carcinoma," and "chemotherapy" and "palliative care" is surreal for anyone faced with a loved one's diagnosis of cancer. But looking into the eyes of the 10-pound bundle of fur I carried in my arms, knowing those words meant nothing to her, that we couldn't explain or reassure her about the challenges she faced, I experienced a helplessness I had never known.

A Road Less Travelled 

Desi has been a part of our family for more than 10 years. From her start as a palm-sized puff of silky hair and round protruding eyes, through three litters of puppies, and countless hours of couch-cuddling, neighborhood walks, and watching her chase the cats through the house, she has been a constant source of love and laughter. My wife and I felt powerless to help her, and frustrated by our inability to prepare her for what lay ahead. Illness is a challenge to the strongest and surest of us, a path dotted with questions, what-ifs, unknown outcomes. We have the chance now to be the strength she needs, to support and calm her when she's scared or exhausted. We have the privilege of walking with her down what may be the final trail of her life, to be witness to a life that matters not because of exalted achievements or extravagant earnings, but simply due to the love her presence has supported in our family. None of us, I'm sure, would have chosen this road. But navigating it together, taking this risk that is love even though the cost may be great loss, is our effort to mirror her unconditional acceptance. We are here with you, Desi, wherever these next steps may lead, whatever the end may look like. You are our blessing. 

Just Do It

Always Do Your Best. Upon first reading, the fourth agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements, seems nearly impossible to uphold. I assumed (yes, I'm aware that I managed to break one of the agreements before I even finished the list) that my "best" referred to some mythical extreme effort, some standard of exalted achievement that I could only hope to reach if the stars aligned. But Ruiz offers a more reasonable definition: do what is your very best at any given time. When I am feeling confident, skilled, or even rested, my best looks very different than when I am anxious, confused or exhausted. What I am able to accomplish or strive for is influenced by both my strengths and my weaknesses, and I can never be falling short if I accept my efforts with compassion and integrity. Doing our best doesn't have to mean that we knock it out of the park. All we must commit to is swinging as hard as we can.

Avoid the Guesswork

"Don't make assumptions" is the third guideline for living with integrity, according to Don Miguel Ruiz' book, The Four Agreements. The assumptions he writes about include predicting the outcome of situations, "mind reading" others, or even limiting our risk-taking because we doubt our abilities. Ruiz maintains that asking questions is the surest way to avoid the assumption pitfall. With accurate feedback, we can learn our partner's true needs, rather than guessing at what they want. We can accumulate facts rather than rely on hunches. By asking questions, we can assess the reality of risk, rather than catastrophizing ourselves into a paralysis of action. Asking questions demonstrates curiosity, a willingness to own what we don't know, and allows both parties to be a part of co-creating movement forward. When we don't assume we have all the answers, we allow room for authenticity and truth to flourish.

It's Not Personal

"Don't Take Anything Personally" is Don Miquel Ruiz's second suggestion in his book The Four Agreements. I initially assumed he was talking about choosing to overlook negative feedback, as harsh criticism can be damaging to our self-esteem. But further reading highlights this agreement's connection to the practice of humility.

...And It's Not About Me

Not only does Ruiz believe that others' words and actions are about themselves and not about ME, he is adamant that taking other's truth as our truth is an example of practicing our "personal importance"--- a form of selfishness that assumes everything is about ME. He promises that a sense of freedom and autonomy will come from not accepting others' beliefs about us -- good or bad. When we know that what others say is simply a reflection of their own inner world, the lens they are looking through, the ever-running script in their heads, we can become immune to the poison that may be the toxic agreements they have made with Life. We have the responsibility, and the choice, to avoid the suffering that accompanies accepting others' beliefs as our own. I'm NOT the center of the universe, but I can achieve more centeredness by leaving others' words and actions to them. 

Truth to Tell

In Don Miguel Ruiz's classic self-help book, The Four Agreements, he offers four rules for living that he suggests will allow us to "escape hell" and live in a "heaven on earth" of our own making. The first agreement is more than a challenge to speak only the truth.

Be Impeccable with Your Word

On first reading, this agreement seems to echo a common value: "Tell the truth." But Ruiz expands the concept to include what we tell ourselves. We can understand the social niceties that encourage us to speak kindly to others, to soften criticism with helpful suggestions, and to avoid sharing information that will only hurt, and not help. When it comes to our own self-talk, we are much less likely to be as selective. We may berate, shame, guilt and demean ourselves with an almost automatic frequency when we falter or misstep in our lives. And we can be just as quick to believe these false scripts. Ruiz maintains that telling the truth to ourselves requires that we acknowledge what is real: our goodness, the softness of our hearts, our boundless ability to love. Only in recalling our own beginnings from the stuff of stardust and unending energy can we live, and speak, our truth.

Learning to Forgive Ourselves

"Guilt's strength lies not in the failure of others to grant us forgiveness, but in our failure to forgive ourselves." -- Kelseyleigh Reber 

Nobody's perfect. We learn from a young age that everyone makes mistakes. And most of us have had to forgive someone who's hurt us, whether it was a betrayal of trust, harsh words spoken in anger, or an act of spite or disrespect. And yet, forgiving ourselves for our missteps can seem like a tougher task. Why?

The Golden Rule 

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, even as we provide grace to those who hurt us. Letting go of the bitterness, disappointment and pain allows us to move on, to loosen the hold the betrayal has on us. But when we are the guilty party, we may engage in severe self-shaming and -recriminations. Rarely do we afford ourselves the same leeway we do for others. Maybe we believe continuing to persecute ourselves will ensure we don't screw up again. Maybe we inflate the damage we've caused, imagining that our failings will have unending repercussions. But we fail to recognize that, in holding ourselves to a standard higher than we may others, we are assigning our actions an inflated influence on our world. Humility means owning that both our successes and our failures are on par with others'; we don't "fall" harder from our mistakes than do our counterparts, nor do we "soar" higher when we reach our goals. If we believe that no one person's worth outweighs another's, we need to treat ourselves as equal in every way, whether that's celebrating our achievements or forgiving our transgressions. 

When Fit Promotes Functioning

Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. Nor does modern-day counseling share much in common with the stereotypes of a client laying on a couch, the therapist interpreting clients' dreams, or people spending decades in counseling to resolve issues. Finding the right modality of therapy and the correct clinical orientation to address different issues can help create a successful treatment experience.

Choosing the Right Therapeutic Approach 

While most types of therapy can address most any issue a client may present, some particular approaches have been proven successful for work on specific issues.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Many studies document the efficacy in mitigating anxiety and depressive symptoms using techniques like assertiveness training, rewriting negative scripts, addressing mistaken beliefs and learning coping skills.

Exposure Therapy: This approach is considered the hallmark technique to help clients overcome phobias.

Supportive Psychotherapy: Clients may choose this type of counseling when they are looking for short- or long-term support to deal with life stressors, if they are unsure of their treatment goals but enjoy the validation and support they receive from the therapeutic relationship, or see therapy akin to "working out" (i.e., as an essential, regular part of self-care.)

Insight-Oriented Psychotherapy: Usually longer in length than CBT or exposure therapy, this orientation aims at helping the client create long-lasting change through developing insight into themselves, patterns of behaviors, family of origin dynamics and unconscious processes.

Solution-Focused Therapy: This specific approach utilizes directed questions and a strong focus on client goals, rather than problems, to help clients move forward.

Eye-Movement Desensitization Response (EMDR) or Holographic Memory Resolution: Both techniques tend to be shorter-term, using as few as one to six sessions to help trauma survivors diffuse distressing memories and somatic experiences of trauma, and to provide relief from PTSD symptoms.

Many other clinical orientations are available to meet clients' individual needs.  If you are interested in pursuing individual, couples or family counseling, ask the potential therapist to educate you about their preferred approach, and whether data exists to support that philosophies' effectiveness in working on the particular issues you'd like to address.